Saturday, September 13, 2008
YOUR LIFETIME MOMENT!
A new chapter just got added THE BOOK OF FAGS.
Lifetime was created for still lactating ,yet, really old stay at home moms. Somewhere along the way, Lifetime got a raging salad tosser in at programming. I'm talking Uncle Arthur at 35.
Designing Women, Golden Girls, Will & Grace, THE NANNY! FOR CHRISSAKES! Lifetime, every single one of them. All day. I have fallen asleep to The Golden Girls and awakened to The Nanny just to start over again.
These gayass reruns were great and all ,but, Lifetime needed a hook.
Well, who's sitting at home all day just happy to not be bothered for 2-3hours? Stay at home moms!
See, you can watch a full length movie everyday after that jerk you married and HIS kids get the hell out of the house. You, could have an affair, but honestly, way too much trouble. It involves waxing.
Unless you're a Lesbian. Lesbians don't have affairs. Or wax. A Lesbian would leave your ass after smashing in your car windows and have a new girlfriend she's moving in with and all in the same night.
She'll be back for some of the cats.
No, the average American stay at home mom is not having some dumbass affair. She wants some Diet Coke and a cigarette (she gave 'em up 2yrs ago. Heh. Heh.).
By the time she gets rid of everybody she has already fucking missed Oprah and The View is way too political for her. She does like Sherri. Though. She wants an escape. She wants to the entire boxed set of Not Without My Daughter Volumes 1-16. She wants to see every single tv movie that Valerie Bertinelli and anyone named Melissa has ever made. Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa Sue Anderson, Melissa Gilbert any Melissa will do. Melissa Fucking Rivers. No, not her.
Melissa is a single or married very unhappily or happily married mom of a daughter, Lindsay, who is about to be kidnapped, bullied, molested, or a victim of a credit card scam. Or, she'll have an eating disorder.
Yeah, Lyndsay is fucked.
Two hours later Melissa has battled her husband, abuser, met cute cad of a boyfriend or a stalker from her previous Lifetime movie. Her daughter, Lyndsay, is finally out of the grips of her abuser, at work date rapist or if it's a Valerie "Very Special Presentation" Bertinelli flick , pimp( who's white, as if) and is ready to go back to work at the ice cream parlor, roller rink, Wall St firm or become an inspiration for young women everywhere (this is, after all,"based on a true story").
All she has to do now is bump some Kenny Chesney in the Kia Sorrento (honey, it "looks" like an SUV, you'll love it.) on the way to Food 4 Less before picking up Anna (his moms name) and Jill (who's really starting to bore her) and figure out a new way to make "Atsa My Turkey" or some KFC served on paper plates.
A cigarette. She quit. You know.
Well, somehow that fag in programming got back from his fat band surgery, I mean, "time I just needed to myself. The Hudson River Valley."
Or some such place.
"What the fuck has been going on around here whilst I was in Mexi..C..oh....taking some time for myself. Hudson River Valley. You know." Uncle Arthur probably at the moment he saw a Traci Gold movie scheduled (she plays an Army helicopter pilot who gets shot down and falls for the medic who saves her hair. Or some such.), knew drastic measures were in order. "In Mexico.. uh.. the Hudson River Vall.. oh fuck it, I saw Shirley Maclaine in John Goldfarb Won't You Please Come Home? (in spanish) and I saw a star! A big ole will work for cheap STAR!" The fagela swooned, looked over at the Abercrombie poster by the couch, oh, wait, that's Track Palin. "Best assistant ever I've ever had" thought Uncle Arthur. 'This is the YEAR OF THE WOMEN, we need something that gives you an empowered woman left without love but with all the material and personal success that she ever dreamt of. Who can that woman be? Candice Bergen? Oh no, she's too big for us! Farrah? I wish! No, only Shirley Maclaine can be this woman!"
"Woman?" Track was always at his cutest when he was clueless.
Track was always cute. Very cute. Extremely cute.
But. I digress.
The room turned and stared at Track.
"Who's this woman? Is it my mom?", Yes, Track was cute indeed.
As the hot Santa Ana winds licked their sullen way up onto Sunset Blvd they blew open the fagelas' french doors in his Hollywood Regency decorated office. Papers flew past I-MACS and anorexic assistants toppled over.
"CHANEL! CO! CO! CHANEL!" exclaimed the fagela. At that point knew he had his next 'RED CARPET EVENT.
THE COCO CHANEL STORY.
And that, my friends is the moment that Gay history added a new chapter. And don't worry you "I never watched Sex in the City, I think all of that is way too gay for me and Brick", living in oblivion homos, you don't have to go down the local cinema. You can even watch it from your closet. It's LIFETIME! You'll be able to watch this anytime Melissa Sue isn't on.
Over and Over.
This movie is world class CAMP! Just take every biopic you've ever seen starring an ex Charlies Angel and let the old blender rip! The sets! The costumes! The attention to details! My god if only Alan Carr was still alive!
CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC! Starring BRUCE JENNER! ALAN CARR PRODUCED IT! Keep up Homos!
Long story short: Coco's mom dies. She and her sis are abandoned at a convent by dad. Sisters can't wait to get Coco the fuck outta there. She gets a job in a sweat factory run by Nathan Lanes' older taller brother Fred. Or some woman. Flash. Flash. Becomes a slut. Moves in with the first of many army officers (think Pam Andersons white trash obsession. Hmm, can you have an obsession with something if you are it? That's some existential shit.). Get's wise thanks to her nemesis Rosalind Russel. Or some woman. Get's another officer (1st officers bff). He leaves for her a respectable girl from a good family. He comes back. They truly are each others great love. he dies.
True grit. Music swelling. Present day (or well, you know). By the way, that whole set up is explained by Shirley Maclaine, who at this point, isn't even bothering with the "accente Franciase" anymore. Shirley must think she got the Meryl Streep role in "Death Becomes Herl" at this point because she sounds just like Meryl telling off Bruce Willis right before she falls down the stairs. Work. Work. Work. Oh yeah, she invented the "little Black dress" at the funeral of her lover.
Swelling music. Cymbalta (did you know the side effect of this anti-depression med is suicidal thoughts? Just saying.). "Living Proof" starring Harry Connick jr, the male Melissa (see Blair Underwood for the Black version of Harry Connick jr.) Sue Whatever.Fabulous Chanel montages. Triumphance.
My god! It's 10:57! Is someone going to die? Is this is a two parter?
NOOOOO! IT CAN'T BE OVER! NO! NO! NO!
What about WWII? The Nazi officers? The shame? The scandals?
No more world class bad script! Horrible acting!
NO FUCKING WAY!
IT'S COMING ON AGAIN!
WITHOUT A COMMERCIAL BREAK!
See Homos. I told you there would be time to see it! It may never stop showing!
September 13, 2008.
If you are a homosexual (or a fat girl) this date will go down as "your Lifetime moment". Honor it. Start Coco watching parties at your local boy bar. Swim in it.
DRAGS! YOU HAVE A NEW CHARACTER THIS YEAR!
I love you Shirley Maclaine!
p.s. I love you Shirley but I like this picture of Cher better.