Wednesday, September 10, 2008


I think I'm one of those insomnomaniacs. I never sleep. I've got the sleeping habits of an old black lady.

In bed by 10pm. Up wandering the house in a bathrobe and slip at 4:30am. Bible in hand by 5:00am. Rinse and repeat.

I know all about Ab Crunchers and Country and Westerns Greatest Hits. Love that John Denver. Thank God he's a "Country Boy".

Thank God.

Gods' personal playmates, Pop N Fresh and Endora have a sheet howdy(!) knee slapper for you if you just never go to sleep. Or if you sleep with one eye open. Recommended. Trust.

Seems in someplace Ohio real early in the morning P&E are up at the crack of dawn (and hoping you've been smoking some) and telling this gutbuster of a joke.

Now, these two rightwing oil drillers walk into a campaign. One says to the other ,"I'm the biggest liar on earth. I was for the bridge to nowhere before I was against it. " The other says "no young whippersnapper, I'm the biggest liar on earth and quite possibly, right after George Bush, the biggest liar in the U NEE VERSE! I said I was against the Short Bus Bush tax cuts for years until I was for it. Beat that!"

Hmm, they both got a sly lear on their faces. Sorta like a pit bull that has killed a small household pet.

The two of them put their heads together. From within came a scathingly brilliant idea.

"What will we do with this idea Endora?" said the pudgy white one.

"Rule the world Pop! Rule the word!"

Endora put on her lipstick and headed towards the podium on this EARLY morning in Ohio.

Oops! Forgot Pudgy. "Pop honey, could I see you over here for a second?" Endora smiled that smile she always gave a wolf before her helicopter dove down on it for her to get a good shot from her assault rifle. After all, they're Gods creatures. As a christian, it's only right that their last vision is a smile. "Listen Pop, you're gonna need to keep up. We got a lie, uh, narrative to sell." Endora stuck her hand in Pop N Fresh and found the lever for the mouth. "Ok, scorched earth bitches, let's get to prevaricating! USA! USA! USA!"

Before Pop knew what was happening he was telling the lie of lies! The mothership of lies! The I love you Brett Michaels lie of holy Roman lies!

"We must concentrate on renewable and alternative forms of fuel! I know this, you know this. We will create American jobs! We republicans care about the environment and want a green planet!" At this point Pop N Fresh felt what he was sure was bile rising in his throat.

Endore was flexing her hand. She had a cramp.


After about an hour of this bizarre, yet strangely affective if you're stupid, lie Pop stepped down and Endora proceeded to lay napalm across the newly Green Republican earth. "We must drill everywhere! Now! They hate us everywhere! USA! USA!USA! We must kill! Kill! Kill! Except, of course, for Gods gifts to us, the babies. Unborn up till birth we must protect them from the Satanist non-believing Democrats. At birth, whatever. We must Kill! them if they don't come from good christian families and end up in jail. Jesus said protect little angels in the womb. But Jesus also said, 'Thou must have the right of capital punishment to kill wrongly convicted persons and the mentally challenged who cannot get the representation they were promised in the courts.' Yes, Jesus said we must kill." USA! USA! USA!

The really outrageous lie was not only working. It was being embraced in a giant flag.

"We pulled it off Pop", Endora took her hand out of Pops back.

"Where am I? I could have sworn I heard someone saying the craziest shit" Pop N Fresh stammered. "I thought I said I was for reform instead of, well, everything I believe in. Or say I do. Oh, Endora, I'm so confused. What is going on?" Pop stood in the middle of the road as everyone rushed to their SUVs.

"You're running for President in a land of stupid people." Endora spat out that pat of butter which hadn't melted during the lie.

Endora wiped the dough off of her hand, got into her armored SUV and sped off. She put on more lipstick as she ordered the driver loudly and sharply, "Tod! Hell! And step on it!"