Tuesday, September 16, 2008
EVER FUCKED YOUR EX?
I have this thing my friends know as "The Derek Washington Last Memorial Fuck".
Let me 'splain Loo-Cee.
After you break up with someone you can't help but regret the fact that you never saw the end coming. If you had, you never would have signed the papers on their car, been nice to their asshole best friend, let his/her bitch sister borrow your Chanel shopping bag, etc..
Mainly, you regret not having had one last, "Bang Bang till the break of dawn".
So, grasshoppers, here's what you do: Somehow, arrange to meet your ex at a bar. Get him/her soused. Say everything that ever went wrong was your fault. Suggest a tequila shot to seal the past in the past.
Now, here's where the good part comes in.
Since you would never let your ex drive in his/her condition, suggest you spend the night together.
Well, you "betta work"! You forget about anything in that bed except your ex. You make sure that you turn it out like a Hooker at a Lakers playoff party. You bang like like a pornstar! Pretend you're with Todd Palin and "DRILL BABY DRILL!"
Now, just when your ex finishes hitting the ceiling, before they start breathing, you whisper in their ears real close and wet, "from now on, everytime you cum, you think of me."
Like Pavlovs' dogs your ex will never be able to have a climax again without your face being in their heads.
Well, the brilliant 1939 version of The Women whispered "from now on everytime you see a remake of me, you'll think of me."
As in the "DWLMF" all I could think of while watching the new version of this Norma Shearer/Joan Crawford classic was the original.
Hoisted on my own petard.
Where the original was a brilliant, witty, catfest, the new Dianne English Version is , I'm pretty sure, A Lexus commercial.
Premise: Mary Haines is a perfect house, oops, stay at home mom. Her unseen hubby (no men in this version or the original. The 1959 version starring some milqutoast named June, Joan whats her name from Dynasty and Mrs. Howell had men. It suffered from the men but still was better that the latest version.) Stephen is having an affair with hottie Crystal (Joan Crawford in the original and some hot latina in the new version) a perfume girl at Saks Fifth Avenue.
Did I mention this movie was a Saks Fifth Avenue commercial.
This movie SUCKS!
Meg Ryan does what she can with the Murphy Brown direction of English. But, Chica! What's up with your lips? Is there any collagen left in Collagenia? She does, however, wear an amazing black outfit with gloves after she straightens her Carly Simon post James Taylor breakup perm.
Jada Pinkett plays a horny dyke.
Debra Messing is actually pretty good in her role as the baby factory with a secret.
Annete Benning is fine, but, her character, Sylvia, is not supposed to be sympathetic. I guess her agents took care of that ("just take the Miranda part from Sex In The City, cut, paste, no one will notice."). Her part's stupid. I'll leave it at that.
The hot Latina is actually really good as the Maneater Crystal. Somehow, she goes all MIA in the middle of the movie.
Debi Mazar is bang up as the manicurist who gets the whole ball of dung rolling.
This movie is going fine until somebody decided to rewrite a classic.
AND THE FASHION SHOW SCENE!
In the original b&w version, the ladies attend a fashion show that turns into a color extravaganza of the most over the top fashion you can imagine. I'm talking Salvador Dali wet dream fashion! Human hand clasps on coats. Frocks that turn into Moonshot evening gowns! And crazy sets with monkeys, bulls and all manner of props. The point was the insanity of womens vanity.
In the new "I am woman hear me roar" version, the fashion show is presented as a straightforward example of Marys' (and the Sisterhood of Traveling Pantsuits) independence from men.
She lives for herself and all women!
"From now on, everytime you cum, you'll think of me."