HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE? A CITY?

WELL, I HAVE.

LAST WEEK MY BFF NELSON ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO COME TO L.A. AND DO SOME OFFICE WORK FOR HIS BOSS.

HMM, GO TO L.A. AND GET PAID FOR IT.

AND KEEP MY CLOTHES ON? WELL, QUELLE EASY DECISION.

BTW, THAT'S FRENCH FOR, WHAT THE FUCK? WHY NOT?

SO, OFF TO CHINATOWN I WENT TO CATCH THE BUS TO L.A.. YES, CHINATOWN. THE BUS FROM THERE TO MONTERREY PARK IS ONLY 30DOLLARS. US. ONLY ONE PROBLEM. MY ALLERGIES HAD ME COUGHING FOR 5 SOLID HRS! NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE LADY NEXT TO ME SPENT THE ENTIRE TRIP WITH HER FACE BURIED IN HER BLOUSE. I DON'T BLAME HER, I'M SURE SHE THOUGHT I HAD SARS OR SOMETHING.

UPON ARRIVAL AT NELSONS HOUSE I WAS INTRODUCED TO MY FIRST OF MANY MARTINIS.

JOY.

OH JOY!

SMASH CUT TO FRIDAY. ON OUR WAY HOME FROM THE OFFICE WE STOPPED AT A GREAT BAR CALLED THE YORK IN A REALLY HIP 'HOOD, HIGHLAND PARK. UPON ARRIVAL AT NELS WE MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE TIPSY.

Just a little.

NELSONS', UH, PRIG OF A BF MADE IT CLEAR HE WAS NOT INTERESTED IN GOING TO DINNER WITH US.

QUELLE DAMAGE.

THAT'S FRENCH FOR "WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE HEATHER?".

HIS MISTAKE. THE BEGINNING OF MY END.

WELL, WE WENT TO NELSONS FAVORITE RESTAURANT, EL SOMBRERO. UPON ARRIVAL WE SAT WITH THE OWNERS FAMILY AND STARTED DRINKING THE WORLDS LARGEST DRINKS. NOW, KNOW THIS ABOUT ME, I'M A REALLY HAPPY DRUNK.

REALLY HAPPY.

I swear. Really.

WITHIN AN HOUR I HAD MET EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT AND JOINED A PARTY UPSTAIRS. UPON LEAVING THE JOINT THE OWNER RAN OUT AND GAVE ME HIS PRIZED SOMBRERO FROM THE WALL WHICH EVIDENTLY HAD BEEN THERE FOR YEARS ASTONISHING ALL.

REMEMBER THAT SOMBRERO.

LATER, I FOUND OUT THAT THE OWNERS' SON-IN-LAW ASKED NELSON IF I WAS KEPT IN A CAGE OR SOMETHING BECAUSE HE'd NEVER SEEN ANYONE WORK A ROOM QUITE LIKE MOISELF.

I'M FRIENDLY.

NELSON GOT A PHONE CALL FROM TWO FRIENDS OF HIS FROM MEXICO CITY WHO HAD MOVED TO L.A.. TWO BOTTLES OF TEQUILA LATER IT WAS 730AM. I WOKE UP ON THE FLOOR UNDER A BLANKET WITH A RATHER ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LATIN FELLOW WHOM I REALLY DIDN'T REMEMBER.

AT All.

I swear.

CLOTHES ON MIND YOU.

Really.

I WOKE TO NELSONS FABULOUS GUCCI OR SOMETHING EXPENSIVE SHOE KICKING ME IN THE HEAD. SEEMS HIS BF (TIGHT ASS COMMON PIECE OF SUBURBAN PRETENTIOUS TRASH) HAD BEEN CALLING SINCE, WELL, 530AM.

OOPS.

WELL, WHEN WE ARRIVED AT NELSONS I MADE THE MISTAKE OF TRYING TO DEFUSE THE SITUATION BY SHOWING BF MY NEW SOMBRERO.

OOPS. Yet Again.

TURNS OUT BF HAS SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AT THIS RESTAURANT AND NEVER BEEN GIVEN SO MUCH AS A FREE COCKTAIL.

OOPS. Three's a charm, no?

AS THE SUN ROSE I CALLED MY FRIEND SOCRATES AND FLED TO HIS PLACE IN SILVERLAKE. IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO SILVERLAKE, IT'S LIKE THE CASTRO AND NORTH BEACH COMBINED. LOTS OF CUTE GAYS AND HIP BREEDERS.

ALSO, BARS.

WELL, BREAKFAST STARTED AT EL CONQUISTADOR WITH BLOODY MARYS. THEN ON TO GOOD WHERE I ORDERED A 40DOLLAR BEER! US!

LUCKILY, THE BARTENDER INSISTED THE WAITER TELL ME THE PRICE BEFORE HE BROUGHT IT. SEEMS THEY'VE HAD THIS ISSUE WITH THE PRICE OF THE BEER BEFORE.

AFTER THAT, ON TO LE BARCITO WHERE I FLIRTED WITH A HOT GUY ACROSS THE ROOM UNTIL SOCRATES SUGGESTED I PUT ON MY GLASSES.

WHY WOULD THEY PUT A MIRROR RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?

I ASK.

BY THIS TIME SOCRATES WAS COMPLAINING THAT SINCE I ARRIVED HE HADN'T CHEWED ANYTHING. I REMINDED HIM HE HAD A PERFECTLY GOOD PIECE OF CELERY HE PASSED UP IN HIS BLOODY MARY.

SOME PEOPLE NEVER SEE THE POSITIVE.

SO WE WENT TO SURIYO A GREAT THAI RESTAURANT. WELL, I NOTICED THEY HAD STAIRS.

I LOVE STAIRS. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING AT THE TOP.

TURNS OUT THERE WAS A ROOF AND A TABLE. THE OWNER AGREED TO OPEN THE ROOF UP AND WE HAD A LOVELY LUNCH AFTER SOCRATES SENT ME TO 7/11 FOR SOME CHAMPAGNE. I PICKED A LOVELY ANDRE, VINTAGE APRIL O7.

I THEN WENT BACK TO NELSONS AND WATCHED THAT MOVIE WHERE THE CARS TURN INTO SOMETHING AND STUFF HAPPENS.

SINCE NO ONE TOOK THEIR SHIRTS OFF, I FELL ASLEEP.

IT SEEMS WHILE I SLUMBERED, NELSON AND BF (SCUM SUCKING LOWLIFE BOURGOIS HAIRDRESSER PIECE OF SAN GABRIEL VALLEY TRASH) HAD A DISCUSSION ABOUT MY TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS. TURNS OUT I WAS LEAVING THE CITY ON THE NEXT AVAILABLE BUS.

THE FINAL STRAW SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN THAT SOMBRERO.

LIKE I SAID, I'M FRIENDLY.

SO I LEFT LOS ANGELES WITH MY SOMBRERO. SINCE I WAS ONCE DEPORTED FROM LONDON, UK, I WASN'T REALLY UPSET.

I JUST SANG "ANOTHER SUITCASE ANOTHER HALL" FROM EVITA LIGHTLY TO MYSELF AND LEFT TOWN.

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE LOS ANGELES.