FHA. FUTURE HOMOS OF AMERICA

I always wonder about my best friend in high school, Mike. We had a crazy love of music especially new wave and new rock. I'm sure he went into Hairbands while I made a soon to be natural transition to House.

Very natural as you will see.

Mike and I had the best parties in Edgewood High school history! Because he was a diabetic we had needles which I used to inject Vodka into oranges.

And you thought needles were just for Meth.

Silly rabbitt.

Mike's parents were really old (turns out they were his grandparents! Le Scandale! West Covina was the model for Peyton Place. I swear.)and they were always on vacation in their RV (I told you I was from West Covina).

So, Mike and I threw these drunken parties that usually ended up with us being entertained by future author Craig Curtis (Fabulous Hell) doing his impressions of our repressed fat classmate Ruth McHugh (imagine Patty Simcox and Julia Child running at each other really fast and tripping over ABBA on the way)after which Mike would insist I slept in the same bed as him. Because we were drunk, we'd sleep naked. Once I saw Mike's dinkie I had serious doubts about being gay. Not a pretty specimen.

Mike was "completely straight". Just one thing. Mike took me TWICE to see Bette Midler AND let me drive his FireBird. This was huge. The FireBird thing.

Well, back in the day Miss M put on one hell of a show! I'm sure she still does but I can't afford to go anywhere near her now (where's Mike?).

When I was a kid I was obsessed with Raquel Welch, Cindy Birdsong and Gladiator movies. Pattern much? My first single purchased was "Little Willie" by glam rockers Sweet. But, here's the kicker, my first album purchase ($3.99!) was Bette Midler "Songs In The New Depression". Now, I remember the look on my mom's face. It wasn't horror. More like puzzlement. Why on earth would her son be buying Gay Icon Bette Midler? Nope. It was more like, "why is he buying some white woman's record when Ashford and Simpson and Chaka Khan are in the same room"?

Well, I had heard "You're Moving Out Today" on the plane coming back from the Munich Olympics (I was just a mere child. I had spent the summer with cousins in Deutschland. No big story. Not like when I got deported from England. Tease.). Needless to say, at the point I heard that song I began my quest to know more about La Midler. I had heard and loved "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" but had no idea what bawdy was until I heard that song. It was a song about the kind of life I thought Carly Simon and Janis Ian (way bad bitch!) and Phoebe Snow lived. Women who slept with men but didn't have babies by them. Fondue parties and maxi skirts. Wedge perms and vinyl boots. LIFE! I didn't know what a bong was ,but, I knew Bette had one. She was like the copy of After Dark magazine I stole that summer from the bookstore in a white neighborhood we went to once a year for a church smorgasboard (white people ate the coolest food), hip and forbidden.

I started to go to thrift stores because I found out you could get scratchy, used Bette Midler Records there. I also found Sargeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band leading to my obsession with John, Paul, George and Ringo. Soon, I had the whole Bette Midler collection and to this day can I recite the entire lot of them. Up until that whole beaches period. I'm a fan not a masochist.

Well, as my mom probably knew all those years ago, Bette Midler+Raquel Welch+Cindy Birdsong+Gladiator movies can only = FHA FUTURE HOMOS of AMERICA.

Guess what!?! Tonite the Divine one is appearing at KRAVE to speek on behalf of Barack Obama! Doors open at 6PM! Be there! I will!


MY FAVORITE BETTE MIDLER SONGS:

You're Moving Out Today
Album: Live At Last

I stayed out late one night and you moved in.
I didn't mind 'cause of the state you were in.
May I remind you that it's been a year since then?

Today the landlady, she said to me,
"Your loony friend just made a pass at me."
Perhaps you might enjoy a cottage by the sea.

So pack your toys away,
your pretty boys away,
your forty-fives away,
your alibis away,
your silly lies away,
your old tie-dyes away,
your one more tries away.
You're moving out today.

You nasty habits ain't confined to bed.
The grocer told me what you do with bread.
Why don't you take up with the
baker's wife instead of me?

Pack up your rubber duck.
I'd like to wish you luck.
Your funny cigarettes, your sixty-one cassettes,
pack all your clothes away,
your rubber hose away,
your old day glows away.
You're movin' out today.

"I hate to do it"
"You gotta"
"I hate to do it"
"You gotta"
"I hate to do it"
"You gotta"
"I hate to do it"
"You gotta"
"I hate to do it"
"You gotta"

Pack up you dirty looks,
your songs that have no hooks,
your stacks of Modern Screen,
your portrait of the queen,
your mangy cat away,
your baby fat away.
You're headed that a-way.
You're moving out today.

Pack up your fork and spoon,
but leave my Lorna Doones;
Your map of Mozambique;
Your waterbed that leaks.

la la la la la la la la la.
la la la la la la la la . . .

"The reason I'm singing la la is because I'm so happy you're going.
Gosh, you've made me miserable.
I don't think I've ever been so unhappy as I've been this last year with you.
You are really a dirty, dirty guy. Did anybody ever tell you that?
Oh, uh, by the way, would you, uh, take off that coat you're wearing?
That's my coat you're wearing. Ah, yes. Thank you, oh. Goodbye!
Parting is such sweet sorrow . . ."

Hello In There
Bienvenue A mes Cauchemere
Big Noise From Winnetka
I Never Talk To Strangers
Buckets Of Rain
Married Men
Stay With Me Baby
Twisted
Instanbul
THE ENTIRE LIVE AT LAST ALBUM!
And many more!

See you tonite!