Friday, October 31, 2008
MOVIES THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT!
It's Halloween and even though I know that the thought of Endora being Vice president is way scary enough, here's the first of my guest bloggers, the esteemed Craig Curtis author Of "FABULOUS HELL", with a few flicks of his personal faves of the scaroi persuasion (that's Franche for "Daddy get off me! You're crushing my cigarettes!" I swear. Really,).
Make sure you read Craig's rather funny, yet informative (three out of five old showgirls agree) blog Only In Bellingham! The link is to your left.
The other left.
Really. I swear.
MOVIES THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT
Oh, sure. It’s the most wonderful time of the year for ghouls, ghosts and faggots. Want to don a Jason hockey mask? Go ahead. A sheet with a couple of holes in it and get a rock or two in your trick or treat bag? Sure thing. Put on one of your dead grandmother’s old frocks and a tiara and be the drunkenest slag since The Queen Mum? Have at it. Frankly, I haven’t had a great Halloween since Derek and I went traipsing around WeHo dressed as bouffanted Blanche and Estelle, carrying huge knitting bags and telling people we had wandered off from The Wonderland Tour Bus and into this “crazy Mardi Gras!” Not only did we both score that night, but garnered (much to our surprise) a rousing round of applause from diners at an open air restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd. I refuse to stand in line to see a midnight showing of ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, only to be belted with toast and lentils (rice is SO over), and watching some fat broads dressed up in WHATEVER sort of maid costume and even fatter men who actually remember the release of this play on film. And THEY’RE dressed as Dr. Frankenfurter. !!!!
If you want to hand out treats to kids, that’s great, just make sure they’re of age, and then demand a trick.
OR you can stay at home with your cat and settle in for some swell, really awful vintage thrillers.
Here are some of the worst of the worst
EMPIRE OF THE ANTS
OK, I’ll admit it. I saw this one at the Capri Theater in West Covina when it first came out, mainly to see post-THE BITCH/pre-ALEXIS Joan Collins get devoured by “giant” ants. These ants are rear projected behind Collins from stock footage apparently filmed on an Ant Farm. It’s truly awful, but you gotta love it.
Here’s a synopsis:
Vacationers on an isolated island find themselves at the mercy of voracious ants when a toxic spill turns the pests into rampaging, radioactive reprobates. Stumbling into the ants' creepy lair, a sleazy land developer (Joan Collins) and her clients are horrified to realize that the ants are having a human picnic. Seems these bugs are hell-bent on exterminating mankind and taking over the island. Can anyone stop them?
Joan Crawford, ever the smart business woman, went from MGM Glamour Puss to Warner Brothers Moll to Columbia Scream Queen in a matter of 40 or so years. Hey, the bitch was working. Strait-Jacket is one of the better ones (not counting the obvious, which as we all know starred Miss Bette Davis). Not only that, but Crawford took the role for a paycheck of 50,000 semolians and 15% of the profits. And made a BIG amount of money doing it! This film was hugely successful, and just horrifyingly bad as you can imagine. Would YOU want to wake up and find JC wielding an AX? I thought not.
Lucy Harbin (Joan Crawford) has been in an asylum for 20 years after axing her husband and his mistress during a crime of passion, witnessed by her young daughter, Carol. While trying to renew ties with Carol (Diane Baker), who is now a young woman about to be married, heads begin to roll again.
LADY IN A CAGE
Ever lovely Olivia de Havilland flew over from her home in Paris to make this dreck. But really, this is Ann Sothern’s picture as the Old Whore that invades de Havilland’s mansion, then torments her in a caged elevator betwixt floors. I’m sure Bette Davis enjoyed this one immensely.
Self-satisfied Mrs. Hilyard (Olivia de Havilland) is recuperating from a broken hip. One morning the power is cut to her private elevator, and the only person to respond to her alarm button is the local wino George L. Brady Jr. (Jeff Corey). He enlists prostitute Sade (Ann Sothern) to help him cart away everything of value in Mrs. Hilyard's house, but a trio of enterprising thugs horn in on the easy pickings. Randall (James Caan) is a sadist looking for kicks, while his girlfriend Elaine (Jennifer Billingsley) and pal Essie (Rafael Campos) are also eager for wild new experiences. After tormenting Mrs. Hilyard, Brady and Sade, the trio decide that the fun thing to do is to kill all of them - a process they happily turn into a game.
Fuck the candy! Break out the ludes and have a ball.
Is that all