FINALLY! SOMEBODY STIRS UP THE POT! AND IT'S A PUMA!

Well. I got my very first pissed off comment!

Yea.

I'm way happy that not only did someone read this blog but also took the time to do the American thing and chew me a new one!

I disagree with you SANDIPUMA but I loudly proclaim your right to say exactly what you think!

So you folks know, SANDIPUMA was the very first PUMA to offer me help in Denver. She's a very passionate lady and she was my first indication that the PUMAS were not a bunch of wackjobs.

I met several PUMAS in Denver and even did a radio interview with a PUMA leader in Tennessee (forgive me if that's the wrong state.). I met a great lady in a fab white hat after the Women Count meeting who SO did not fit the crazee stereotype we have been fed.

Btw, the PUMAS also warned me to leave them when they expected cameras because they knew what would happen to me if DER PARTY found out I was talking to them ("No... go ahead... save your...self..."). While the Clinton campaign couldn't be bothered to help out a hardcore Hillary supporter (moiself) the PUMAS totally gave me an address to get fed and have a shower if I ended up on a park bench. The only reason I didn't go is that I got lost on my GREEN DENVER bike and had somewhere else to be (the top secret Obama mole meeting, ooops, now I have to kill you.).

So, yeah SANDIPUMA, I have decided on a different course of action ( I'm going to make an effort locally to get Dems to the polls. I want them to vote for all the killer female candidates and , yes, the Democratic nominee.

But SANDIPUMA, under no circumstances in hell did I lie or misrepresent myself to anyone to get to Denver. I missed a week of school and stayed with a complete stranger to support Hillary and all I got for it was dismissed. I feel awful that things turned out
the way they did and will gladly return the money of anyone who donated and feels the way you do.

Folks, I'm a lot of things. No matter what I've done in my life, I've never lowered my standards of honor.

Nor will I.

I am at this moment receiving loads of hate mail from people who should really know that I'm on their side. Or was.

And as far as being some sort of undercover Obama agent well, I could give you a list of people that I have bitched to about Obama and the cabal that runs the Democratic party. I am infamous in the Nevada state partys offices because I have let them have it several times when I have been OVER their complete and utter lack of organization and lack of vision. Reno anyone?

Having said that, I have decided to do what's best for the party. And besides, exactly which of Hillarys policies does McCain or Gov. Palin (notice how I have defended her) support? A womans right to choose? Uh, no. Offshore drilling? Hmm, no.

I put my personal health issues in the freakin' paper, FRONT PAGE, to help Hillary Clinton. All I did was put a poor dying guy face on the California delegates not getting a chance to jump amd down and smile for the folks back in Pico Rivera, which is what they have been working for for two years.

And I'm the bad guy. I will take that award proudly.

SO, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STUPID? AGAIN.

Real quick, Saddam had no WMD. Gay sex and Cher did not cause Hurricane Katrina. Every black person at any college did not get there through affirmative action, opposing the invasion of Iraq is not the same as not supporting the troops, Hillary Clinton did not kill Vince Foster (at least not personally) and Hurricane Gustav has nothing to do with the Republican national convention being cancelled.

The convention IS being cancelled for the same reason that all the above mentioned subjects were brought up.

Fear.

Fear, that's right folks! Line right up here for a healthy dose of Republofear! Not the old fashioned kind! New and way unimproved fear! Tasteless fear! Yessiree, fear of not winds! Not Rains! Not death on a mass scale! No! Not here folks! This is a whole new type of fear we republicans are bringin' ya!

This is good ole Willie Horton fear!

That's right folks! This is FEAR OF A BLACK PLANET! Yup THAT kind of fear! Oh, I see we got your attention now! Well, keep looking over here and, uh, please stay away from that curtain! Fear! Yes indeedy! Fear is what we know best. C'mon over to the Fox News booth for a good old fashioned dosage of fear!

Yeah. Fear.

FEAR THAT NOBODY IS GONNA CARE ABOUT THEIR LAME LITTLE CONVENTION NEXT WEEK IN MINNETONKA!

Or wherever.

Let's face it, Cindy "Stepfordsheera" McCain could host one of those topless biker beauty pageants her hubby Lechy wants her to enter and it STILL wouldn't attract 1/100th of the attention that the Dem convention did in Americans new favorite party city, DENVER!

By taking such a public path of showing they "care" the republicans have sunk to so many new lows that I can't even give them any benefit of the doubt. All they "care" about is the fact that they can't possibly top the Black guy and his party at Obamalopolis. And they're right.

I'm sure someone (maybe even my hero Karl Rove? Oh, shut up, if he was a Dem we'd all love his evil ass!) had a quick think and decided to shortcut the comparisons to last weeks Superbowl/New Years and televised equivalent in ratings to the second coming by making a major move and squelching Keith Olberman before he even got a chance to do his tired I'M OUTRAGED! act. Anderson Cooper now has to leave the warmth of his bf's arms and put away his Abercrombie and Fitch tees and drag out his disaster wear and superhold gel all because John McCain is afraid to be compared on national tv to Barack Obama.

Bother.

And you know what? As desperate moves go, this one is pretty good. Like this weekends announcement of Gov. Palin as the republican Veep nominee, it's brill political theater.

Only things is, at some point you're going to have to actually do something besides plan stunts. Maybe even define your candidacy.

Or, come up with a reason to vote for you.

Well, other than fear. Of course.

GADZOOKS!

WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE HEATHER?

Not that anyone is surprised but New York Times Rantologist Maureen Dowd tried her best to rip Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska a new one because she's been chosen to be John McCains' VP running mate.

After insulting Alaskans as being from "an oversized igloo", then she goes on her usual women hating search and destroy mention where she got sorta close to sneering at Mrs. Palins' decision to have her baby even though she knew the baby had Downs Syndrome.

What bothers me most about today's woman hating bashathon is that it's so obvious. Maureen Dowd seems to only aim at fish swimming in barrels. She hasn't come up with an original subject in, I don't know, well, uh, ever. There's nothing worse than a hack. Well, unless we're talking about an obvious hack. In which case, step to the front Ms. Dowd.

I am no McCain backer but his choice of Palin is a brilliant political move. She's no less experienced than some other people in this election. She is after all a Governor of a very big (maybe the biggest?Hmm.)and rich state.

The spin the Dems have put on this is sorta creepy. The spinmeisters are saying the Vice-President has to be ready in case "something" happens to the President. Since McCain played Yatzee with Jesus, evidently, this is important. Now, here's where the creepy part comes in. Sen. Biden is supposed to be able to step in for his much less experienced President if "something" should happen to him.

Hmm, Barack Obama is a young man. He is healthy and as far as I can see, in perfect shape. How could such a healthy young man have something happen to him that would keep him from finishing his term(s) in perfect health? Hmm. Indeed.

So. We're supposed to worry about Mr McCain not having a capable Vice-President in case he drops dead but, somehow, we're not supposed to talk about the 1000lb Gorilla in the room. The only thing that could cause O to not finish his term is....I refuse to even say it because I refuse to believe that Senator Obama won't have the world's best security.

So, Maureen, what exactly is your argument again? Are you saying McCain has to have a Joe Biden type because he might die? Then please explain to me exactly why is it that Obama needs a Joe Biden type?

And why is so important that in her past Palin was a beauty Queen? Are you looking down at a woman because she's pretty? Or it is because she's pretty AND she's probably smarter than you AND pretty?

STAR JONES IS HOT! AL REYNOLDS IS SO GAY.

So, I'm at some Green Democratic party and as I'm leaving to go pick up my free GREEN DENVER bike I see this hot black chick coming towards me. Her body is slamming! Big tits, small waist and all this ass! Gurl was smokin'! Weave was laid the fuck out! Her dress was giving every man within eyeball distance the palpatations. Even me, and well, you know.

Actually, I've always had a thing for huge mams. My mom once asked me in high school about my Swedish exchange student love interest. "What color are her eyes?", moms casually asked ( WARNING GUYS! ANYTIME A WOMAN ASKS ANY VARIATION OF THAT QUESTION, IT'S A TRAP! RUN! CHANGE THE SUBJECT! FAKE A STROKE!). "Uh....well.......um", my dumbass stammered. "Just what I thought! How big are her tits?", the Babs demanded. I guess the orgiastic smile on my face gave me away. "Typical, typical, typical. Men can't be bothered to notice anything about a woman if she's got tits. That's just wrong!", Gloria Steinam , I mean mom said.

You know, I resent that. I totally paid attention to, uh......hmmmm.....what was that girls name? Bother. I do remember her........oh, never mind.

I digress.

Hot Black Sexy Woman was STAR JONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Al Reynolds is SO gay! No straight Black man on earth would not be tappin' that! If he married her when she was fat, then there is no reason for him to dump her after she became all that!

Bro-Ham is GAY!

GAY I SAY. THERE'S NO WAY HE AINT GAY! I'M GAY, HE'S GAY. I SAY. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. ON HIS WAY TO THE AREA BAY. I DON'T CARE WHAT HE MAY SAY. I KNOWETH WHERE HE LAY. THE MAN IS MORE THAN FEY. AL REYNOLDS IS GAY! I SAY HE'S GAY!

SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO TAKE A HIT FOR THE TEAM

So, as I walked through Denver this week I had an epiphany.

The spirit of the Democrats in this town is amazing. Young and old. Black and White. Straight and Gay.

I have accepted that even though I have problems with his shifting positions to the right, amongst other things, the simple fact is that all this good spirit is due to the "Hope" that Barack has brought back to this country after 7 1/2 awful years.

As of this moment, I am pledging to get people off the fence and I pledge to get 100 people to the polls on election day to vote for Barack Obama and the local Democratic candidates on the ballot.

I cannot have the people who have never voted before be devastated by a Barack Obama loss in November. I am terrified that if Obama loses we will lose a huge percentage of voters who have come to the Democratic party for the first time. That would have a much bigger effect than can even be imagined.

Without these new voters we might possibly be locked into generations of venal Republican rule. Back alley abortions and getting arrested for Sodomy or speaking out against a war or checking out the wrong library book are not places I want to go.

The votes of youth are the one's I fear losing the most. If you could see the looks on their faces as they proudly wear their Democratic badges and wave the American Flag as they march in groups down the street, well, you would understand how important it is to make sure that they know their efforts are meaning something to the party and the country.

I hope everyone who reads this email will pass it on to other Democrats and will make a pledge to yourself to get voters to the polls on election day. Check with your local assisted living facilities, Homeless shelters, teen groups, etc., think outside of the box and get voters to help keep this spirit alive for the party and most importantly, for America.

Derek

OLD WRINKLY GUY KNOCKS ONE OUT OF THE PARK

Let's face it. John McCain is a bigger threat than the media want to let on to.

I have said for months that John McCain has one majr thing going for him. He doesn't bother people.

George Bush bothers people. Hillary Clinton bothers people. Barack Obama bothers people. John McCain doesn't bother people.

McCain is like that uncle who you only see ever so often at family gatherings who, even though you don't agree with him, you still sorta want to sit next to outside at the picnic table and chew the fat with. He's always got a good story about the war and he's nice to your boyfriend (even if you're gay.). He'll probably goad you into a game of horseshoes (that he'll win.) and will drink you under the table while flirting with the single widows in a way that doesn't make Stepfordsheera mad ( I hope this isn't sexist , or whatever, but Cindy McCain looks like a Stepford wife waiting on the afternoon bell so she can wash her "pill" down with a boiler maker or six.).

Hillary and Barack? Not so much. Hillary would bore you with a 2 hour dissertation on the policy behind making chocolate chip cookies and Barack would piss you off because you know your mom is going to spend the entire time in the wagon on the way home asking, "why can't you be more like him?". As you stare out the window hating life, Johhny boy will speed by in his latelife Corvette, top down, listening to Willie Nelson remixes with Stepfordsheera smiling blankly.

Well, let's face it. A whole lot of Americans will vote for the one who "really doesn't bother me."

Today, Old Wrinkly Guy, irregardless of what you think ( how much do I love that total non-word) of him, did something that just gave a lot of fence sitters a reason to excuse themselves in the voting booth.

WhiteHaired Guy today picked Alaska Governor Sarah "The Barrucuda" Palin, a 44 year old, conservative "hockey mom to be his Vice Presidential Running mate.

Ok, look, no matter what you think of Old Dude, this was a brill political move.
1: It takes alot of the attention away from last nights amazing stadium filling Obama acceptance speech (this town was like Beyonce "Crazy In Love" last night.).
2: The choice will occupy the MSM ( ok, after this election this is one of those dumbass phrases that must be eliminated.) all weekend as opposed to being all Obama/Democrat all the time.
3: She actually might give a Hillary supporter who really didn't want to make a change an excuse to vote for McCain.
4: Her reputation seems to be pretty above board. The only major negative I see is that she supports drilling in Alaska (as do most Alaskans, they get a check every year from oil.). Obviously as a gay guy who believes in a womans' right to choose what to do with her body she would never work for me, however, on that issue and many others conservatives hold dear, she's exactly what they wanted.
5: She's busting corrupt men like that soon to be somebody's really old bitch, Ted Stevens. Corruption busting has been her stock in trade in the great North. So, if you're looking for additional cover to vote for her you can claim she's not soft on crime (of course neither is Joe Biden, but he's got a penis.).

As Wednesday Adams once said, "be afraid, be very afraid."

BTW, HILLARY DOES NOT WANT YOU

I sent my fund raising letter to the Hillary Clinton Campaign.

I got a response that was heartfelt (I thought) and told I was in the running to speak for Hillary in Denver.

I was vetted.

I meet Mignon Moore, an incredible lady who was Bill Clintons communications/political director. She asked me a bunch of questions to see if I could stay "on point" (Stop laughing! Ok, that shit is funny. I mean, ME stay on point! Someone else's point. Now you know what LAUGH OUT LOUD LOL means.).

Well, to be honest, I was a sweaty mess. I had run directly there from the airport and I looked like shit (see pic in article in Review Journal in the blog links).

Well, the Clintonistas kept constant contact with me up until Molly Balls article came out in the view.

At that point I began to see the Hypocrisy of the Democratic party and Hillary Clinton campaign. I had broken the golden rule. I TOLD THE TRUTH.

You see, the Clinton campaign is SO not about the truth. It's about the lie that Hillary Clinton is thrilled that Barack Obama is the nominee.

BULLSHIT!

She and Bill are pissed. They have every right to be. They were painted as racists and horrible invectives were thrown at them by cripto-fascist idiots like Keith Olberman (at some point he's going to explode and and the demon worm smegma of Dick Morris is going to be revealed to live within him.).

Her speech at the convention proved she IS the right choice for POTUS.

But, in this new Democratic party where the annointed one rules from on high she ,and we, are not allowed to be feel differently. After all, if we don't get in line and take the mark of the beast we'll be in big trouble soon. Personally, while my feelings on this race have changed drastically from when I left Vegas, I'll still take my chances and wait for the Rapture markless. Ha! Won't the Christians love that! "Do we take the Homo, after all he did refuse the mark?" "Yeah, but, there's that whole "he's way too stylish thing, he won't wear dockers in Heaven and that's standard uniform." Hmm, I got problems either way.

After the Review Journal article came out I became persona non grata to the Clintonistas. What a bunch of wussed out little weenie bobs. Not only did they not choose me to meet the Hillary, they, too this moment, haven't returned a call or txt. I also never heard another word about being a whip.

THEY DON"T WANT YOU!

All the Clinton campaign wants you for is to send cash. They were fine with me as long as they could present to the world the "AIDS VICTIM DIE HARD HILLARY SUPPORTER". Die hard this.

All those PUMAS (who, btw, are really nice people, more on them to come) are wasting they're time. On several occasions I was told to stay away from them. They offered me money, transportation, a place to stay and food to eat. The Clinton staff couldn't even be bothered to let me put my laptop in their office while I went to find a coke. They are embarrassed by the PUMAS and look down on them.

I guess my point is this. If you support Hillary Clinton because of her experience and her contribution to our country, you, and I are one day going to be shown to have the right judgement regarding her. If you support because you think she's different than all the men who have run things all these years. I am so sorry to say she, or, more importantly her campaign staff is not.

I am so sorry.

CODE PINK CUNTS

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A CUNT, SOMETIMES YOU ARE

My entire stay in Denver I have been amazed by the absolute niceness of the people here. Last night at dinner I had so many people come to my table to welcome me to Denver and ask if I was having a good time and how did I like Denver that I had to ask for a doggie bag so that I could finish my dinner in peace.

One guy almost ran me over on a dark street, it was totally my fault (I was texting. Imagine.). He stopped his truck and leaned out of the window to say he was sorry! Sorry! If you're reading this from Vegas you know what a bizarre concept this is. I have been clipped so many times in Vegas by car mirrors and then the drivers gave ME dirty looks!

One guy hollered at me downtown when I almost ran him down on my free GREEN DENVER bike. Even he was nicer than he had to be.

I mention all this not just to say it's crazy nice here, but, also to say that when everyone is SO nice it really makes the meanies, bitches, assholes and CUNTS stand out.

(For my older readers I REALLY APOLOGIZE FOR THAT WORD. But, sometimes, it's the only word that applies.)

CODE PINK ARE A BUNCH OF CUNTS WHO TAKE THEMSELVES FAR TOO SERIOUSLY!

Ok, let me take a breath.

I was exhausted after the roll call vote (not to mention WAY upset at how that was such a travesty of Democracy.). I had locked my GREEN DENVER bike under a perfect lovely tree. Little did I know that tree had a CUNT infestation. I saw a group of gaily dressed women ( and not in the Sapphic way, then they would not have been CUNTS.) and asked if I could ask them some questions about what they were doing.

WELL! I was informed that, "WE ARE IN A MEETING!" Now, I understood that and said, "may I ask you some questions after you're done?" "Where are your credentials? Who are you with!?", screamed one short haired CUNT who looked like a refugee from that awful "Return of The Secaucus Seven" movie.

Ok, let me 'splain sumting to you Loo-Cee. In this day and age at this convention everyone is a journalist. I have never seen so many people interviewing others with all manner of devices. No asks for your credentials! No one asks anything other than "will I be able to see this on the web?"

BUT I DIGRESS FROM DEREKS BIG FAT ADVENTURE IN CUNTOPIA.

Get this! One of the CUNTS says all sotto voce, "should we ask him to leave?"

STOP. If you have met me you have to know the look that Derek got on his face at that point.

Obviously, that idea didn't get past the focus group stage.

Btw, one really disconterting thing about this convention is the fact that everyone is very non-yielding on other viewpoints, but, we'll get to that in a bit.

Where was I? Oh yeah CUNTAPALOOZA.

So Adolf CUNTLER begins her "meeting" and all hell breaks loose. It was like a crunchfuck of "well, do we know exactly who is supposed to be arrested and is there a philosophical reason for getting arrested at 15th and Court as opposed to 16th and California?" Does anyone know where the parade is, I mean yesterday we were walking around forever and never did find the media."

Ok. Stop. Just for a minute.

These CUNTS were talking about getting arrested. When and where to get arrested. What effect each arrest would have philosophically. Does anybody see where I'm going with this? Even the most police hating person on earth has to understand that the police have far better things to do than arrest these Erma Bombeckian Joan Baez wannabes. There are donuts to eat and tourists to pose with but, NOOOO, these CUNTS want to get some media attention so that they can go back to Evanston and Menlo Park and tell their teenagers (who hate them for never have been allowed to to eat at Mcdonalds and now are totally over them) and their really boring husbands (who dingle their flaccid now balless members at adult bookstores) that they got arrested in '08 at the Democratic convention.

OOOHHH GRANNY WAS A SUFFRAGETTE!

CUNTS. Boring. Self Righteous. CUNTS.

So, it got really funny. Ok, all of a sudden it got like "The View". All of them were extrapolating on their "concerns" and talking at the same time. It was SO not Sarah Lawrence (Bunny, yuuuu muhst give Saffy her mow-muhnt on the flooruh. Just clinch your jaw when you say that. You'll get it.), not a manner or bit of politeness in CUNTLAND. So, their guy.

OH WAIT! I FORGOT TO TELL YOU! THEY BROUGHT A "MAN"!

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm laughing so hard at the terrible memories I have to compose myself.

If you don't laugh the ugly CUNT filled memories will keep you from moving forward. Or being able to take a decent shit.

Where was I? Oh yeah, their "man", who I guess is brought along to hold the bail money and occasionally be sent to rite-aid for K-Y (hey, personal satisfaction enhancers get dry.), says, "we are all talking all over each other(NOT THAT HE GOT A CHANCE TO GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE!). We should speak one at a time." Finally! A voice of reason! I can't possibly listen in on their "MEETING" if they all talk at once. I was waiting for someone to pass the "speech stick with the Navajo beading I got at a reservation outside of Santa Fe when I took the kids for their annual spiritual colon cleansing" (oh yeah, Johhny HATES mommy.).So, they talked about, honestly, I don't even give a fuck at this point. It was all so jejuene.

So, CUNTFEST '08 breaks up and I ask if I can ask a few questions. I explain that I'm really interested in why the do what they do. Of course at this point I SO know what they are all about.

To whit. Some priviledged white women are so bored with themselves and what their lives turned out to be (two twits and a hubby who won't be bothered to get up the passion to divorce them. They had their day in college because, well, looks didn't really matter at Barnard, brains and "passion" did. A Suburu Forrester or that awful Honda Element in the driveway when they really wanted a Mustang, but, oh those damn green footprint carbon things. They are really tired of making granola that no one in the house will eat (btw Mother Earth, they wanted Dennys Big and Frooty Rooty Patooty!) and honestly,they just don't understand why Carly Simon and James Taylor broke up.

Well, CUNTLER says to me in the most condescending voice, "we've had hundreds of media interviews." As if to say "YOU SIR, ARE A NOBODY AND WE, NAY, I, ARE FAR TOO IMPORTANT TO SPEAKETH WITH YOUR KIND".

And she was right.

Too bad for her I am just as self important as her and have a wicked tongue and now will send the story of the CODE PINK CUNTS all over the cyber world.

TO IFINITY AND BEYOOOOOONNNNNNNDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE MIGHT JUST BE SATAN. NO REALLY.

Let's get this straight right off the bat. I LOVE SWAG! If it's free, it's mine. I'm not even shy about it.

So, I go to the 7am delegates meeting (7am! Yes folks, Derek is working for your money.) and I get there late (ok, I'm working, but time isn't my strongest category.). I decide to stand in the back of the room near a closet with no doors. I notice there's swag bags above my head. "I beseech thee Satan stay away", I say to myself but the pull is way too strong. I start grabbing one of each type of bag. Finally, I notice that there are some really cool red, white and blue bags. I grab one and throw it in my stash spot. Never think about again.

After our big delegate group photo I gather my ill gotten gains and skeedaddle out because the roll call has been moved to three and I plan on being there!

As I sit down on the train to head back to my hosts house I look at the cool bag. It's from Shelley Berkley! I love Shelly Berkley! LONG TIME! It's got all sort of really useful stuff in it. I'm way happy. I noticed it had a zipper, so, I decide to zip it up. When I start to zip it up I notice it has a Barack Obama button on it. Well, I don't want to make like I can't handle a button so, no big deal.

Ok, here's the freaky part. I had picked the bag by reaching up behind my head and grabbing the bag in the middle backwards without looking at it.

THE FREAKIN' BUTTON HAD MY NAME ON IT! I SWEAR! SEE THE PIC!

HOLY BARACK OBAMA BATMAN!

I had seen people earlier with these buttons and thought they had already jumped on board like mucho quick but, whatever. I know the party had obviously had these made in anticipation of Hillary asking us to support Obama (we'll touch on the subject of things just happening organically later. Btw, they don't.) but the scary thing here is that I never even looked at the bag when I grabbed it!

Now, of course I don't think that Obama is the anti-christ. Having said that, it's just plain weird.

The power of Obama.

If I start walking around chanting Obama! Obama! Somebody please tell my mom I love her.

Oh. There's a knock at the door.

Bye?

SO, I MET THIS BLACK CHICK

So, I'm on the light rail in Denver trying to get to the convention center to see Hillary Clinton speak.

I'm all "white girl", totally lost and wondrous. I'm asking out loud if I'm anywhere near the convention center.

This black chick looks (barely) up from her texting and asks me if I'm going to see Hillary Clinton. I didn't even think I was looking gay. Hmph. I say yes and she informs me that Hillary isn't speaking at the convention center, she's at the place with some corporations' name.

Can you imagine how long I would have wandered around that convention center all, "Hil-la-ree! Hil-la-ree! Hi-la-ree!"? At least when I do that in my bedroom I'm alone.

"Let's share a cab", Black Chick commanded. Ok. So we jump in a cab ( I wanted the "green" cab but these two white Anne Taylor Loft broads totally grabbed it for the same "eco-chic" reasons I wanted it. I figured that would make up in carbon offsets or whatever the fuck for standing naked in front of the refridgerator with a fan on when it gets a little too hot in the crib.) . Black chick whips out a map and starts telling Hailee Sahlasee to get us there quick and said it in that tone like she was not planning on paying one cent extra , so, he needn't even think about going through Wyoming! I loveded her.

So, it turns out she's a "Blogger". The way she said it made it sound so hip ,even to me, the king of all that is hip, that I had to stand back and say, "dayum!" Before I knew it, Black chick had whipped out her mobile phone/camera/computer/interuterine ("...remembering to take your pill everyday can be such a drag..") device and was interviewing me for Rueters!

She's a bad mamajama! Just as bad as she can be!

Turns out Black Chick is the one who started "Michelle Obama Watch". Look it up. I'm tired of doing all the work. Her newest joint (ok, how black and "TRL" was that?) is: whataboutourdaughters.com

Click it.

FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES OF GIGANTOR

Sometimes it's easier to tell your truth to complete strangers than to your closest friends.

I really had never discussed my health status with one of my closest friends in The L.V.. I hadn't because whenever the subject of HIV came up he always seemed a little weirded out by it.

I knew I liked Gigantor the moment I met him at my favorite bar Funhog. I used to go there with my very first stalker almost every nite. Yeah, my first stalker. He was standing at the bar with his strangely over confident chubby friend.

Actually, he was looming over the bar. See, homie is like 8' 10". No. Really. And relatively cute. That's if you like tall, handsome, just the right color, black men with pretty teeth. Whatever. Anyway I commented to my stalker that it was really unusual to see a specimen quite like this one in Vegas, let alone at Funhog. Actually, especially at Funhog. Well, single black stalker ran over to him and immediately frightened him. Of course I went over and found out he was funny and really smart. Why he even went to Standford! Twice.

Cut. Chase. Valentines day (my favorite Holiday) comes along and Gigantor has a little soiree at his maisonette (two french words, once sentence. Pow Dow!). I went to use the bathroom and Gigantor was folding and re-folding a towel like Howie Mandel on meth. I asked him, wtf? He said it was because his chubby somewhat slutty over confident friend hadn't re-folded the towel correctly. Oh-kayee. Well, me never being one to take the round about way to Grandmothers house says, "you're sorta crazy huh?" Without missing a beat or crushing me with his Bigfoot like appendages he said, "OCD". At that point I knew I liked him. No excuses. No drama. No "get the fuck out of my house once you put down that rib". Just "OCD." My type o' Guy. Besides, I never leave when someone says that to me.

Well, it was 330am Saturday when I was at my wits end on exactly who could help with a twenty to get me to Denver and I decided to roll the dice and send Gigantor my email. At what I think was sunrise my phone rings. It's Gigantor. He wants to know if I was hungry. Hmph. Do I look like I ever miss a meal? I tell him about some lovely bistros near my house and inform him if he's paying, I'm eating. "Well", Gigantor says in a voice that implied he had something on his mind, "I actually was thinking of some place that serves Mimosas". I asked if he meant brunch. "Drunken breakfast, brunch, whatever you need to call it." Did I mention he's my type o' guy?
So, I figure he hasn't read his email yet. I know he checks it constantly (Fold. Refold.Fold.) so I figure by the time we meet for brunch (drunken breakfast) he'll have read it and will have on a SARS mask and rubber gloves. To avoid embarassement ( I have no idea how to spell that. And don't care. Get your own blog.) I say, "uh, have you checked your email?". I'm waiting for I don't even know what when Gigantor says, "your letter?" I says, "yeah". Gigantor comes back with, "how much do you need? Do you have airfare yet?" AIRFARE! Bitch I'm barely scraping up "that's just my baby daddy" Greyhound scratch.

OOH, can you imagine 26 hours from The L.V. to Denver? Girl. I would have to snatch some hoe by her purple, stacked way too high, shellacked, Mary J. Blige when she was a hot mess hairdon't by the time we hit Moab. If you've ever been on Greyhound you know.

So after I scoff, Gigantor says, really calmly, "I'll pay for your airfare right now." On the spot! Did I mention, ON THE SPOT?! All right black man! I started to cry (I'm such a weepy bitch.). Not "I found Jesus", cry, but, cry none the less. After I said thank you like a million times, Gigantor says, "so when can you meet me at The Hilton?"

BITCH STILL BOUGHT ME LUNCH!

That's a friend.

SO MUCH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START

I met Raymond Joe at the Reno State convention. He and his homegurl Sheree took my tired ass under their wings while we spent the longest night in history waiting to vote on something that to this day I'm not sure WTF it was. Long story short, they offered to have me room with them as I had arrived in Reno with no place to stay.

Now, I'm from West Covina, a sleepy little suburb outside of L.A.. I went to a lovely High school there, Edgewood. Everything I ever needed to know I learned there (and West Hollywood, natch.).

Edgewood is sorta like a combination of Rydell High in Grease ( the first one, not that Michelle Pfeiffer groan fest that came later.) and that school pre-dyke Lindsay Lohan went to in Mean Girls. In other words, you learn pretty early not to trust anyone. Especially nice people. Especially.

Well, when Raymond and Sheree offered me some floorage I just assumed they were up to some Freaky Deaky time with The Derek. I demured and somehow ended up in the mountains outside Reno in a little motel that reminded me of the one in Psycho but with gingham print bedspreads and no internet. Alone.Thank God.

So, when I started my quest to get to Denver they weren't even on my radar. I just blasted that email to everybody on my notepad from the convention.

I heard from Raymond right away. He explained that he and Miss Sheree were going to help AND that he had hit "reply all" and basically, told everyone my little folly was a good thing to help out with. At every step of the way he encouraged me and kept telling me he was spreading the word and collecting change (!) from people. Whenever things looked fruitless, Raymond would pop up with some good news and words of hope. Hmm, I guess Raymond was my agent of the audacity of hope and change (but for real bitch.).

Before long when I had really gotten tired of the whole project (at some point you just want to youtube the lesbian clip from The Golden Girls, laugh and call it a fuckin' day!) I couldn't put the brakes on because Raymond was working so hard to get me to Denver. Damn.

Raymond even went to an Obama meeting and asked for help! That my friends is the very definition of "taking a hit for the team"! Or just plum crazy.

Well Raymond, WE made it to Denver!

Thank you!

THE ORIGINAL APPEAL LETTER

When I was asked to be a whip for the Democratic Convention as a delegate for Hillary Clinton I knew that come Hell or high water I had to ignore my total lack of funds and get there.

I only had one thing to sell and that was me (and I don't mean in a short shorts Freemont and 8th sort of way. I needed more than the $6.00 I was going to be able to raise that way. LOL). I felt if I just took a deep breath and told the truth I might just be able to pull it off.

So, here is the unvarnished, sometimes ugly, occasionally funny truth. Must have been a two hankie 'cause, I'M GOING TO DENVER!

Everybody give me a WOO HOO!

Hi I am Derek Washington.

I was elected at the State of Nevada Democratic Convention in Reno, Nevada to be an alternate delegate pledged to Senator Hillary Clinton.

Many of you who were there asked me point blank if I would be there for Senator Clinton until "the very end" at the convention? I said yes to you then and I say yes to you now. I gained your confidence and votes with my promise and I fully intend to honor that pledge.

More than wanting to be elected I have a very personal reason for my undying support for Senator Clinton. I feel it's important for me to throw aside my pride and personal vanity to tell you exactly why I am supporting Senator Clinton "all the way".

I came to Las Vegas almost three years ago to be a bigwig in the entertainment community. I figured with my impressive resume I was a shoe-in to get right into the mix of things here. Well, slow your roll missy, things didn't turn out quite that way. The stress of my dashed dreams led to my getting shingles. Let me tell you, if you've never had shingles you don't know death walking! As my grandmother would say , "honeychile.......".

After recovering from that I had a minor stroke (I was 44 at the time). Due to my continued health problems a doctor took it upon himself to perform an HIV test. I had told him not to but, thank god, he ignored me. He came to me and informed me I had 54 T-cells. In other words, I had full blown AIDS. My entire world changed at that moment.

Having no health insurance but the love of my family I entered into a world of government run healthcare services. No matter what you hear about our healthcare system, the people who implement the various programs are the most amazing group of people you would ever want to meet. They all could be doing something else with their college degrees but , like school teachers, they have decided to help people who don't have lots of cash and fancy insurance to throw at them. In my mind they saved my life. I honor and salute them.

Don't worry, I'm getting to the point.

During my convalescence I laid on my mothers couch for months not able to get up to change the channel for hours on end. I can tell you how to make fried Macaroni and Cheese wrapped in bacon courtesy of Paula Deen, I know how long it takes a termite to destroy a house, who were Hitlers top command and I've seen every movie made before 1969. In addition I became fascinated by politics. For days on end I watched the process play itself out and became a huge fan of Hillary Clinton.

Senator Clinton has dedicated her entire life to being of service to the American people. Some people look at that as the same old same old. I look at her service as the height of what it means to be an American. She embodied to me what an American can and should be.

When the Nevada Caucuses came around I forced myself off that couch. I packed a lunch and grabbed a book and boarded a bus to make sure I voted for Hillary Clinton.

The caucus process is the most ridiculous system I have ever seen in my life. The fighting amongst people was horrible. But, the process somehow energized me. I felt myself arguing with people about the differences between the candidates. When I asked the Clinton supporters why I should vote for Senator Clinton they had reasoned and well thought out points touching on healthcare, LGBT issues and then followed up with economic policy. They then asked who wanted to be a delegate.

Suddenly, I was no longer a weak HIV suffering basketcase. I raised my hand and said why I wanted to support Hillary Clinton. I was elected! From that moment on I have not felt weak and I have done everything I can to remake my life. I then went to our state convention in Reno, Nevada. I was energized more so than even years before I was diagnosed. I screamed, yelled, cheered and slept under a table until the bitter end to make sure my vote was counted for Senator Clinton.

Life had returned to Derek Washington.

I have been on disability for awhile now due to the fact that no matter how much I want things to be different I am still on the weak side. However, I am not the type to sit around and wait on a check. I have signed up to begin studying at CSN to become a family therapist specializing in non-traditional families ( single parents, LGBT,seniors raising grandchildren, etc.) and I have an internship with Clear Channel communications which will help me hone my media skills to help the people who need the help the most and to help the Democratic Party.

Ok, now the point of this admittedly long email.

I have been asked to be the whip for the Hillary Clinton delegation from Nevada! Can I just say YIPPEE! I have never in my life been so honored. To be involved in such a historic event would be the highest point in my life which will be followed by many more high points.

Honestly, I can't afford to go to Denver. I had given up on the idea. But having been given such an incredible chance at being a part of history I have decided that I can't give up without a fight. Senator Clinton said that Americans don't give up in the final seconds of a football game because we're losing. Nor shall I!

I am asking for donations to get to Denver. I have never done such a thing so, honestly, I'm completely out of my league here. I will say this, I will take the cheapest possible way (which I believe is a bus to Reno then the train to Denver) and I will gladly post all donations online and account for all money spent the same way. Any money left over will be donated openly. I assume anyone donating would want that money to go the Democratic party somehow though I am inclined to donate directly to homeless people on the streets of Nevada (I'm thinking of buying lots of those freeze dried dinners and actually handing them to people.). Either way we can have a vote to see what the best way to dispose of extra money, which I hope there will be. If anyone has done this before maybe you can email me with suggestions. If I don't raise enough money then I will return the money that has been donated.

Obviously, time is short. Can you please help me help Senator Clinton? Btw, I will support the Democratic nominee. I am not a "bitter" etc, person, I do feel until the process is over I must honor my promise to the people who elected me and I must thank Hillary Clinton for getting me off my moms couch.

Thank you for reading this (very long! LOL!) email,

Derek Washington