Sunday, November 9, 2008
JUST IN CASE YOU GET SOME BLACK FRIENDS
Let's face it, the newest fashionable must have this coming Holiday season is going to be "The Black Friend"!
Tres Chic et Fashionable!
That's Surrender Monkey for "get a Negro now!"
But, not so fast Keannu Reeves!
Like an orchid or small Marsupial Black people require special care.
When we visit feel free to offer us liquid refreshments.
We like Kool-Aid. Red or Purple.
And please don't try to explain to us that Red and Purple are not flavors. If we wanted a flavor we would ask for Strawberry (Boone's Farm).
Black women are fond of Alize. However, If a Black woman says that she's looking for her Alize there's a pretty good chance that she's looking for her daughter, not her misplaced cocktail.
Btw, if you are in a club and offer to buy a sister who has been drinking water a drink be prepared to fork over the cheese for a "Hennesy". Black woman don't need to be bought a water. They can do that on their own.
Even if a Black chick don't drink it she will always order "a Hennesy". With Black women, it's the shelf not the drink.
If a Black man is driving a beat up old American car, it's a "hooptie".
If a Black man is driving an old beat up Japanese car, it's a "beater".
You can refer to his hooptie but never his beater. There's a difference.
All the sexual stereotypes you have heard about Black men (large weenies, insatiable sex drive, falling asleep the moment they get theirs) are true.
Never touch our hair or tell us about your "Jewfro" you had in college.
Never utter the word "rebel".
Don't introduce us to the only other Black person at your office Christmas party.
We already know each other. We met at the monthly "all Black people know each other" monthly social Ho beat down.
Do NOT get drunk and refer to us as "my homie, my brother" or anything ending in "scnizzle".
At a club when trying to pick up on a Black girl, please, please, pretty please tell them you have "jungle fever".
If nothing else to give the club something to talk about, "Dayum! Gurlfriend beat the fuck outta that white boy!" "And then made him buy her a Hennesy!" "Dayum!"
The menu may say "Chitterlings" but they are pronounced "Chitlins" and NO, you can't have any.
Michael Bolton is NOT a soul singer. Michael McDonald is.
Retha is the Queen of Soul. Mariah Carey is a tramp.
We have hated OJ ever since he beat up his black wife and bought that white girl from her parents , however, white guys hate him so much we will defend him.
We get a huge kick out of that chicken dance you guys do at weddings.
We like Joey and Phoebe but not Ross and Rachel. We love Janice. Monica and Chandler, not so much.
We don't understand Tool Time.
No Black person has ever laughed at Mad About You.
Cartman. Yes. Kyle. No.
We used to like Kramer but, well, you know.
NEVER MAKE US WATCH A CELTICS GAME!
Vanilla Ice. Yes. Eminem. No.
Gloria Estafan. HUH? Shakira? Hells yeah!
Blair Underwood gets on our nerves. He's a "stunt Negro" brought in to sex up up a white show just before it jumps the shark.
Even if you didn't, say that you voted for Obama.
If you just remember these few things you should be okay during the coming years.
WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME!