Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I like white bread.


I swear.

I like it with Mayo.

I like it with butter.

I like it with Coke.

That's a brand name. Not a "Producto de Colombia".

Whenever a guy says, "wait! Let me get THE towel", I start wondering if it's Monday.

"Hmm, If I finish this quick I can get home in time for The Big Bang Theory. If I really get him excited we might fall off of "THE towel" and then I'll get the hell out of here in time to catch the last ten of Two and Half Men.

Either way, "wait!. Let me get THE towel" means that we, no I am about to have the sexual equivalent of white bread. HE, on the other hand is about to have "oh my God, that was so hot, can you shower at home, I forgot to mention I have a room mate/Boyfriend/ appointment and I have to get going right away", sex.

I like white bread.

I HATE towel sex.

Towel sex means that the bottom (they're always bottoms) has decided exactly everything that is going to happen during the "act" of sex.

The "act".

There will be none of that start here, go there, wait, is that yet another flat surface I can throw you on top of to express my carnal desires, sweaty, I don't even care about your breath, sex.


None of that.

Well, the idiots who brought you "No on 8" have thrown down the towel.

Yet again.


I swear.

After squandering something like 45 million donated dollars on their epicly losing joke of a campaign to defeat Prop 8 in Cali, these Latte sipping, "Chad will pick up Kathy Griffin for the fundraiser", never been east of La Brea, Beemer driving lameazoids have released the feel good hit of the year commercial.

What's this commercial for?

You ask.

So do I.

This thing actually starts with concentration camp victims and somehow swirls into a tasteful melange of Harvey Milk, Matthew Shepard, Lesbians getting married and, oh God my eyes started to bleed, I can't tell you what else.

And it's narrated by a generic could be Morgan Freeman or some other old respected non-threatening black guy.

"See, we included Black people!"



Ok. Let me lay it out.

1/ Fire these fucks. They are the Homo equivalent to Jesse Jackson. "Yes, thank you Mr. Jackson. Lovely work. Yes. Lovely. Can you (and your bastard child) please step aside for Mr. Obama? Yes Jesse, That One." Get out! Who hired these "leaders" anyway?

2/ IT'S THE ECONOMY STUPID! In the age of That One we often forget our first Black President and how he got there. The country was in an economic crisis (funny how that always happens after a few years of Republican rule. Yes. Funny.)and Big Willy came along and focused on the economy. In hard times that's all anybody gives a flippedty foo about.

The brokeass State of Cali is so in the Red Vivienne Westwood has named her spring/summer 2009 collection after it ("today, Vivienne Westwood showed her latest, California Redux, to a packed tent of emaciated fashion editors who are now thin because they're magazines are no longer paying for Salade Nicoise at Barney Greengrass. The collection was a punk flashback, 'torn and tattered to reflect the states economy', according to Westwood" This is Elsa For Style. No. I'm not dead. I don't think. Google me.).

Make Gay Marriage about the economy. A fag will scrape together his last ducats to get to the church on time. Well, fashionably late. That cash will go into a wedding that will make Edina Monsoon take to her bed with publicist penis envy. That cash will also trickle down to the Preacher, florist, local tux shop, Mexican who drives the truck that delivered the rented chairs for the reception (oh the reception!), Black (hot) Fed Ex driver who delivered the Jeffrey Sanker VIP passes to the White Party Honeymoon on Atlantis Cruises leaving from San Diego where the happy couple paid to leave the SUV in the parking lot.....

Do you see where I'm going?



No, the Equality California Gay oppression pimps make the "feel really bad for us" commercial of the year.

I like white bread.

I hate towel sex.

Equality California.

DVR and fast forward right through them.




Keep your towel handy.

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