Tuesday, March 17, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL MAKES YOU GAY!


I hate American Idol.

A bunch of boring twentysomethings and tweeners sing a bunch of saccharine ballads and I'm supposed to take time away from my Twittering to vote for one of them?

Uh, no.

AND THEN these schmoes are put through the stylist torture chamber! The guys all look like the Emo offspring of Pete Wentz and Nick Lachey. Supercuts do's and "edgy" printed shirts make them all come off as a bunch of douches from Toledo trying to get into XS on a Saturday night.

And the poor girls.

It's like somebody gave them a 50$ gift certificate to the Forever 21 outlet store and said "be back at the bus by twelve."

Really.

I swear.

And don't get me started on the "judges".

Too late.

I already am.

Who the fuck is that new bitch? If they brought her in to threaten Paula, all they did was make that crazy broad look better. Was Dionne Warwicke unavailable? They couldn't pony up for Sheena Easton? No one had a crack connection to entice Amy Winehouse (call me)? Hell, they couldn't have got my mom to cell it in from her Town Car?

Randy Jackson has one more season of "yo Dog" before I join my local Kaballah center to ease the pain. You know what's funny about him? Ok, you just KNOW that man can't get laid even with all his money. Even hookers must think, "is it REALLY worth the fifty?"

Simon I actually like. He can barely hide his disgust for that creepy Seacrest chick and he calls out so many of the "singers" who are just faking it. Though his man titties should be either restrained or at least put into a shirt that doesn't accent them.

Paula. Listen, anyone with her collection of cheesy 90's hits and her obvious good connection at the local Rite-Aid is A-Okay with me. I love it when she gives you that look that you just know is going to end up on YouTube by midnight. It's that "are you my mommy" glazed over Robotussin and 7-Up cocktail look that makes the whole show endurable.

Well, now there's actually a reason to watch American Idol.

It makes you gay!

Yep.

Gay.

I say.

No way!

Yes way!

Gay.

I say.

How fey.

No. Gay.

Read the following. I quote it because even with my "I survived" Edgewood High School Bitchulary, I can't possibly do this one justice.

Wait. This is good. Grab a cocktail. Hit the bong. Turn off the CSI:Hemet. Whatever. Ok. Get ready.

Here it goes. OMG, I'm like Keith Olberman listening to his own voice right now!

"I should know in advance if one of their singers is queer," said Pastor Jim Palmer of the New Family Institute. "I need to warn my community to shield their eyes or turn off their TV's so they don't fall under some kind of a gay spell. One of my parishioners is now gay and he's blaming it on 'Idol.'"


Wait.

Again.

"I should know in advance if one of their singers is queer," said Pastor Jim Palmer of the New Family Institute. "I need to warn my community to shield their eyes or turn off their TV's so they don't fall under some kind of a gay spell. One of my parishioners is now gay and he's blaming it on 'Idol.'"

YES!

Is that not the best quote of the year or what!?!

There's a dick in your mouth?

Idol.

Some guy cruising your Hershey Highway?

Idol.

Bumping beavers in Washoe County?

Idol.

14 cats and a Suburu in your driveway?

Yeah, you've been watching Idol.

Well, I'm just glad to know why so many badly dressed arrhytmic Tools and Pink wannabees have been showing up at Krave lately.

They all must watch American Idol.

Finally, I can sleep.

4 comments:

Vtknitboy said...

dude! didn't u just get a "real" job?! kidding.

TBF, paula is finally getting serious about her comments. she's actually said something other than (but of course, including), "you look lovely tonite!". lol. the new chick is okay. not great. but okay.

casey said...

your AI rant is the funniest send up of the show i've read anywhere. while i'm a bit scared of you, after reading your "I'm Dennis Miller with a brain etc..." i'll be checking out your writing again. Cheers to Paula!

Vtknitboy said...

oh, he's a big 'ol pussycat with a nasty PEN! lol.

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