Saturday, December 13, 2008
DON'T EVER CALL A HIPSTER BITCH LINDSAY LOHAN! FRANKIE'S TIKI BAR OPENS! FINALLY!
I have a bit of a mouth on me.
I am also one of the most harmless people on earth.
Unless I'm dating/fucking you.
Ok, I broke up with my latest BF by text.
It is the oughts and most of our communication was by text. I didn't even think about it when I broke up with him.
It seemed natural.
I guess I probably should've have texted him first with the news. I'm such a good guy that I texted his best friend in Denver and told her first.
I figured he would need a friend to help him through his loss.
You know. Me.
Turns out that dyke got on the cellie and called him before I had a chance to text him!
I needed a Super Big Gulp Coke and didn't want to do it while I was driving.
Traffic. Sweetie. Traffic. What if I had killed a stripper at Antelope and Charleston? That would look cute on channel 8.
"This is Maria Lupe Cardinal Lopez Garcia Mendoza Jackson at the scene of a terrible tragedy. A 21 year old (it's my blog) Las Vegas man ran over a Las Vegas entertainer, Kristi Kumho (it's a Korean name. Perv.) at the corner of Antelope and Charleston in the almost but not quite Summerlin district. The suspect, Las Vegas Style Guy, Derek Washington, was apparently seen texting just prior to the death of Kumho (Tee. Hee.). A Super Big Gulp Coke can be seen here next to the blood and silicone stained crosswalk. Back to you Rikki Cheese ( I swear that's her name! Really.)".
You see. I care. Really.
So, I often smoked a lot of pot from approx. 1985 to well, now. I might not be the best at names. But. I am nice.
So I walk into Frankie's Tiki Room, the place I had been waiting all of my life for, ok, three days, and I start my usual routine.
1/ Go to the bathroom and look at myself.
2/ Take a picture of myself in said bathroom.
3/ Exit bathroom and pick up a drink one The Bitchez has already procured.
4/ Survey the room.
5/ Whip out my digital and begin taking pictures.
Simple, yet tres effective.
Tres is Jerry Lewis loving crunchy bread eater for "just smile bitch".
WELL. At the grand opening of Frankie's Tiki Room I saw a veritable multitude of picture subjects. It was like Bettie Page and the Blasters had a Caboodle of hip kids!
RIP BETTY! YOU BAD BITCH!
So I sees me a table of hottie ladies with their Jungle Red nail polish and lips and ask if I can Take their pic.
Who says no?
So I did.
"Let me see that!", shrieked some bitched out younger version of Joan Crawford in Mildred Pierce.
"Hold on , Lindsay Lohan", I humorously decried.
Humour was not on this cocktail cunts mind. Oh no. Not even.
So, "what's your damage Heather?" gets all turned about. "Why did you call me Lindsay Lohan!?!" she bellowed as she pouted.
"I'm sorry" I said. "I was just funnin' you".
"That shits not fucking funny! Go away asshole!" Faux Bettie screamed.
Such a pretty faux authentic haircut. Such a filthy little "I would suck smegma cock all day if the foreskin wouldn't get scared of me and close over the dickhead" mouth.
Well, after backing away from the jaws of death I sipped lovingly on the best cocktail I had had in years! Yes!Oh my Kathi Lee Gifford! It was Ambrosia! Ok, it was a Mai Tai, but, the best Mai Tai I had tasted since my days as a contract player at RKO!
Or some such.
And The Bitchez liked it too! They had never been in a Tiki Room before! Except for the newest member of The Bitchez, Throgmorton , whom we adopted on the spot.
More about Throgmorton in a later post.
And the lovely Princess Anne was there too! I had to leave early (my sinus' can not handle a whole lot of smoke. There was a whole lot of smoke.)but, evidently Her Highness had an issue with her drink that made the tabs the next day. But, nonetheless, Frankie's Tiki Room lived up to the hype (mine).
And lessons were learned.
Breaking up with your BF by text might be considered a little tacky by some oldafarians.
Super Big Gulps and silicone don't mix.
No matter how nice you are, someone will just not see it.
DON'T EVER CALL A HIPSTER BITCH LINDSAY LOHAN!
FRANKIE'S TIKI ROOM
1712 West Charleston
Las Vegas, NV 89102
IT'S OPEN 24 HOURS A FUCKING DAY BITCHEZ!