DON'T QUESTION ME!

DOWNLOAD THE FOLLOWING.

NOW.

JAMES BROWN: NIGHT TRAIN

WHY: It's badass. From the opening bass line on to James shouting out a bunch of cities on the old "Chitlin Curcuit" James, is totally shouting out a list of cities that Barack Obama later won on his way to becoming POTUS.

Ok, I swear fo God I'll be over my Baracrush soon.

I swear.

Really.


MIRIAM MAKEBA: PATA PATA

WHY: Miriam has this coolio sorta African fun swing going on. She makes living under Aparthied bareable.

Barely.

BLANCMANGE: LIVING ON THE CEILING

WHY: The production is this ocean of Indian and Nouvelle Vague (that's cheese whiz, bitch, for skinny ties and purple hair) whirling through a sonic patch right at the top of your head. Get stoned and put on those big headphones.

LUCKY ALI: O SANAM

WHY: Easily one the prettiest songs I've heard over the last ten years. I have no idea what it's about, it's in Hindi or some such. Youtube the video and see what I mean.

THE RUNAWAYS: CHERRY BOMB

WHY: I went to Edgewood High School in West Covina, Cali. I knew girls who drove Javelins and fucked in Camaros. Feathered hair. But not in a sexy Farrah do. No, the bitches I knew had hair that feathered naturally because their hair was afraid to touch their face. The girls I knew worked to get cameltoe in their Sasoons. Cha Cha Cherry BOMB!

MADAME X: JUST THAT TYPE OF GIRL

WHY: Lesbians who knew the men all paused when they went to the Speakeasy. "Turn it up! Crank it!"

GRACE JONES: LA VIE EN ROSE

WHY: If all you know of Grace Jones is that Bond movie (the best!) then you don't know Miss Grace. Or really good extacy. Poor you. Either way.

MADONNA: TAKE A BOW

WHY: You have to have ear wax in the shape of a boll weevil to play this song and not get laid. Just when he's about to cry, take his chin in your hands, look into his eyes and say (I swear. Really) "I'll never hurt you." LAY-ED! Not that I've ever done this. Really. Oh bitch please, I know it works because It's Derek move # 602 (the Princess Diana Years). Oops. I guess it's in retirement now. What I do for you people.

NINE INCH NAILS: I WANNA FUCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL

WHY: Are you for real? Let me just "splain sumting to you Lucy", if I play this song, I'm about to show you openings (from the inside) that you never knew about. In plain English, I'm going to put it all up in you. It will work for most, however, don't get it twisted, you aint me. I make no assurances. Every man is an island unto himself. Huh?

PHIL SPECTOR: ANY FUCKING PHIL SPECTOR

WHY: Cause he's a crazy, afro wearing, gun toting, murderous, little, pyscho dweeb. Because of Darlen Love and the Dixie Cups. Because he made Ike Turner nervous. He held Ronnie Spector prisoner in a Bel Air mansion. For the 60's! He gave Sony Bono his start. Which led to CHER! What more do you need?

Now. Get to Frostwire or wherever you steal your music.

Go. Now.

Really.

I swear.

JUST IN CASE YOU GET SOME BLACK FRIENDS

Let's face it, the newest fashionable must have this coming Holiday season is going to be "The Black Friend"!

Tres Chic et Fashionable!

That's Surrender Monkey for "get a Negro now!"

But, not so fast Keannu Reeves!

Like an orchid or small Marsupial Black people require special care.

To whit:

When we visit feel free to offer us liquid refreshments.

We like Kool-Aid. Red or Purple.

And please don't try to explain to us that Red and Purple are not flavors. If we wanted a flavor we would ask for Strawberry (Boone's Farm).

Black women are fond of Alize. However, If a Black woman says that she's looking for her Alize there's a pretty good chance that she's looking for her daughter, not her misplaced cocktail.

Btw, if you are in a club and offer to buy a sister who has been drinking water a drink be prepared to fork over the cheese for a "Hennesy". Black woman don't need to be bought a water. They can do that on their own.

Even if a Black chick don't drink it she will always order "a Hennesy". With Black women, it's the shelf not the drink.

Top shelf.

If a Black man is driving a beat up old American car, it's a "hooptie".

If a Black man is driving an old beat up Japanese car, it's a "beater".

You can refer to his hooptie but never his beater. There's a difference.

All the sexual stereotypes you have heard about Black men (large weenies, insatiable sex drive, falling asleep the moment they get theirs) are true.

I swear.

Really.

Never touch our hair or tell us about your "Jewfro" you had in college.

Never utter the word "rebel".

Ever.

Don't introduce us to the only other Black person at your office Christmas party.

We already know each other. We met at the monthly "all Black people know each other" monthly social Ho beat down.

Really.

Do NOT get drunk and refer to us as "my homie, my brother" or anything ending in "scnizzle".

Ever.

At a club when trying to pick up on a Black girl, please, please, pretty please tell them you have "jungle fever".

If nothing else to give the club something to talk about, "Dayum! Gurlfriend beat the fuck outta that white boy!" "And then made him buy her a Hennesy!" "Dayum!"

Ha. Ha.

The menu may say "Chitterlings" but they are pronounced "Chitlins" and NO, you can't have any.

Michael Bolton is NOT a soul singer. Michael McDonald is.

Retha is the Queen of Soul. Mariah Carey is a tramp.

We have hated OJ ever since he beat up his black wife and bought that white girl from her parents , however, white guys hate him so much we will defend him.

Just 'cause.

We get a huge kick out of that chicken dance you guys do at weddings.

We like Joey and Phoebe but not Ross and Rachel. We love Janice. Monica and Chandler, not so much.

We don't understand Tool Time.

No Black person has ever laughed at Mad About You.

Ever.

Cartman. Yes. Kyle. No.

We used to like Kramer but, well, you know.

NEVER MAKE US WATCH A CELTICS GAME!

Vanilla Ice. Yes. Eminem. No.

Gloria Estafan. HUH? Shakira? Hells yeah!

Blair Underwood gets on our nerves. He's a "stunt Negro" brought in to sex up up a white show just before it jumps the shark.



Even if you didn't, say that you voted for Obama.

If you just remember these few things you should be okay during the coming years.

WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME!

I WOULDA LAUGHED BUT I KEPT CRYING

Sometimes, I'm like a white girl in the third row at a Jonas Bros. concert.

I cry, no, weep, like a bitch.

Lately, I cry when the sun comes up slightly hidden by a puffy gray cloud. I cry when any Marvin Hamlisch jam comes on. I cry when my jeans don't crease in a straight line. Hell, I cry when I notice the lovely way my hair curls just at the tip of my temples (I have "good" hair).

I cry.

A lot.

I cried when Barack spoke to ME in Henderson recently (Henderson: Completely lame suburb of Las Vegas. Imagine, a suburb of Vegas. Tres gauche. That's French for "why yes, I'll have Vanilla ice cream with my white milk".). When he talked about, well, anything I opened up like a black hooker who just found the holy ghost.

So, I takes myself (I said "takes". What?)over to the Rave Motion Picture Theaters to see the latest Black People movie, SOUL MEN, starring Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes and some other black people and "just Jack" from Will and Grace.

And then it started. The movie, not the bawling.

During the opening credits there is a montage of the 70's in Black America.

I started to think of my aunt and uncle, the Reverend Doctor Brother Mr Gil T. Uncle Lloyd and his wife Aunt Doris.

They were the people who, on every birthday and at Christmas made sure that I got the latest book on Black History. They always told me that I had to be twice as good as any white person to get to the same place as them. They made sure my English was spoken in a way that would take me into any office or situation in America. They pushed me to excel. Because of them I interviewed the very first Black Astronaut for the Seattle Post Intelligencer.

"SAY IT LOUD! I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD!"

I started to mist up.

They died about 5 yrs ago. They never saw a Black President. My uncle organized civil rights marches against redlining in Seattle. He and my aunt Doris were the most respected couple in Black Seattle.

"LIFT EVERY VOICE AND SING, TILL EARTH AND HEAVEN RING, RING WITH THE HARMONY OF LIBERTY!"

Oh yeah, I was THIS close to straight up crying.

I thought of my great grandmother, Sarah Watts. She slept in our hall closet.

It was big. She was little.

She ate wheat germ everyday and always preached against canned foods and preservatives. Every Tuesday a truck would pull up and deliver her distilled water.

We thought she was crazy.

She lived 'till she was was 92 years old.

"WADE IN THE WATER. WADE IN THE WATER CHILDREN NOW! WADE IN THE WATER, GOD'S GONNA TROUBLE THE WATER".

Sarah Watts always sat me in the window seat in our big brownstone and told me all about our family in such places as Montgomery and Mobile, Alabama. That's where "our people" were from. Never Selma. I got the impression that people from Selma were "common". My great grandmother would tell me stories about Mary Mcleod Bethune and Dr. Daniel Hale Williams. Did you know a "colored" man invented the traffic signal? Sarah Watts told me so.

She never imagined a Black President. Unless it was me. Yes, she imagined that.

As I was watching the movie's 70's montage I remembered going to the All Bear summer day camp ( Ironic. No?) . On the way Mr. Robinson would be playing the radio loud and we would be singing along.

"SMILING FACES. SMILING FACES, SOMETIMES, THEY DON'T TELL THE TRUTH. CAN YOU DIG IT CAN YOU DIG IT?"

I can still feel my afro flowing in the damp Chicago summer wind and wishing I was back at home all fat and happy in my room wishing I had a '72 Cadillac with the Pimp Lens lights.

"DIAMOND IN THE BACK. SUN ROOF TOP. DIGGIN' THE SCENE IN WITH A GANGSTER LEAN. OOOH OOOH OOOH"

The tears were fighting to get out like my thighs in my stupid Hunter green polyester slacks I had to wear to St. Philip Neri middle school (only the best for me).

You know, it's fucked being a fat kid. I went to a freakin' catholic school and not one priest even thought about molesting me.

Their loss.

"PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE, DADGUMMIT! WHEREVER HE LAID HIS HAT WAS HIS HOME! AND WHEN HE DIED! ALL HE LEFT US WAS ALONE".

I thought of my uncle Rip and his "wife" Lil and Eugenie and my little 6 year old cousin Michael who went out to play and died of an asthma attack.

"THE GREED OF MAN WILL BE FAR AWAY FROM ME. 'CAUSE THEY WON'T GO WHERE I GO".

None of them ever saw a Black President.

I thought of my crazy ass best friend Christopher Maldonado ( OH FUCK, I'M CRYING AGAIN!)who went to the Bahamas to fill in as makeup artist on a video shoot and ended up a side note to Aliyahs name when their plane went down.

"MY BODY'S BURNING BABY INTO THE NIGHT. MOVE ME! BABY CAN YOU GROOVE ME? YOU MAKE ME BEG FOR MORE! YOU GIVE ME MORE! CARESS ME!"

Chris never saw a Black President..

On January 20th 2009, I will see a black president.

And you can bet I'm gonna cry.

Oh, the movie.

It sucked.

Wait till you can Netflix it.

WHO'S THE LUCKIEST SCHMOE ON EARTH?

NOW IT'S "MORNING IN AMERICA"

We all know what happened on 04 November 2008 so I don't have to say ahything about it.

Yeah right!

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

Yeayuh Babee!

I was sick ,so, I sat alone on election night crying because I couldn't be with my friends at the big Democratic election party at the Rio Hotel.

I wasn't crying because I missed the most important party of my life.

I was crying because I couldn't be with all of my friends.

All of my NEW friends

People say that Las Vegas is a tough town to make "real" friends in. They are right. Just when you make a friend they give up on the dream they thought they had in Vegas and leave town.

I am the luckiest person to have ever moved to Las Vegas, in my opinion. I have made so many new friends here that I feel like I should loan some of them out to the "Friends of the Friendless". I have made so many friends that I know will be friends for the rest of my life. It's almost not fair for me to have this group of people around me. I haven't done anything special to deserve these people in my life. Yet, they are in my life. That can only be luck.

My friends have supported me in all of my endeavours and whims, ups and downs. They have come to me for an old sages' advice and defended me to partners and their own friends who just don't "get" why they know me, "the loser". Any event that I have asked them to help on, they have never failed to lend a hand and be there early so I don't think something I have planned has been a failure, which is a party planners worst nightmare.

We hang out and get drunk at breakfast.. We laugh. We have deep philosophical talks. We help each other pick out dates. We support each other while we're in love. We hate our friends' exes just as much as they do, until they say they're seeing them again. At that point , we start back to supporting their relationship again.

A great man , I believe it was Nelson Tunon or perhaps Craig Curtis, no, wait, It might have been Joan Crawford. Hmm, Nelson said "What's sex without drugs anyway?" I'm sure it was Craig who said "Get drunk. Eat your mother.".

Hmm.

"Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

I have real friends. I don't deserve them. Yet I have them. That's luck.

I want to say thanks to all of them. Of course, I'll forget some of them and feel horrible, but, I'll do my best.

THE WORKHORSES:
MY MOM
TOM "BUFFY' SANTIAGO WHO IS AS REAL AS THE DAY IS LONG.

CRAIG CURTIS IS STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. AND THE MOST CREATIVE GENIUS UNFOUND ON EARTH.

NELSON TUNON WHO HELPS BURY THE BODIES. DAILY. THROUGH IT ALL ......I WON'T CRY, I'LL JUST SAY THAT NELSON AND HIS FAMILY ARE TRULY WONDERFUL PEOPLE..OK, I'M CRYING.

PAUL PARADISO IS BACK! MISSED YA!

LARISA DANIELS WHOSE BITCH I AM FOREVER

MAT EVANS MY MINNIE ME MINUS THE ASS AND GAY THING.

JULIETTE ANNERINO WHO TRULY "GETS" ME.

SOCRATES SILVA IS THE WORDS SMARTEST FRIEND AND ULTRA HIP TO BOOT. AND CAN DRINK LIKE A CENTRAL AMERICAN HOOKER.

MICHAEL GRAMMER ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL.

TINA MALAVE WHO ALWAYS KEPT TRYING WITH ME.

THE VEGAS BEST NEW FRIENDS ON EARTH
(I HAVE TO SAY THIS: ELLIOT AND TJUSTIN WERE NOT PLACED IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE. THE ACADEMY RULES CALLED FOR A COIN TOSS OR CHRONOLIGICAL)

KY SCRODE (WHOSE NAME I'M SURE I SPELLED WRONG YET AGAIN). MY VERY FIRST FRIEND IN VEGAS. THANKS FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE AND BEING RIGHT (HE HAS WAITED FOREVER TO HEAR THAT SO I JUST TOSSED IT IN. HE'S ONLY RIGHT A LOT)

JOEY AND NANDO WHO WERE NICE TO ME AND NEVER LEFT ME OUT.

NICK AT SNICKS WHO OFFERED TO LET ME DRINK FOR FREE WHEN THINGS WERE BAD (AND ,NO, I DIDN'T TAKE HIM UP ON THAT!)

CINDY STITH WHO GAVE ME BACK MY MOJO. (HI BERTA)

ERIC THE CRAZY STALKER WITHOUT WHOM I WOULDN'T HAVE MET....

TJUSTIN WHO INTRODUCED ME TO...

ELLIOTT CADY WHO COMBINED MAKE UP THE BEST FRIENDS ANYONE COULD HOPE FOR.

LUIS " THE NICEST GAY ON EARTH" GONZALEZ WHO HAS NEVER NOT LIVED UP TO HIS WORD.

"AJ" ANUJ JENEVJA (OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT) ONE OF THE MOST DOWN TO EARTH PEOPLE TO EVER TO COME INTO MY LIFE. YOU'RE REALLY SPECIAL TO ME.

LORI AMBROSINI. SOME PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU MOST NEEDED THEM AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU NEEDED THEM. LORI IS AMAZING.

EDGAR VALENZUELA

TERRY HERNANDEZ AND BRENT LOVETT ARE TWO PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE ME TO REACH HIGHER WHILE STAYING GOOD.

RAYMOND JOE AND LYNN S. TWO VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE.

This could go on forever. I'm that lucky.

Shoutouts to Everyone I know through SinCityQ! Kimberly, Michael at KRAVE, Chris Miller, VTKNIT and everyone else.

And to two people who don't know that they matter so much to me. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama without whom I wouldn't have had the chance to meet so many good people.

Thank you.

THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY!

They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa
from: Dr. Demento's Delights
Warner Bros. 1975 BS 2855 0698
Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to
leave because I'd go berserk?? Well...
You left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see
I've gone completely out of my mind.. And..

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be
happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!

You thought it was a joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said
that loosing you would make me flip my lid.. RIGHT???
I know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed you laughed and
laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad... And..

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back
for all my kind unselfish loving deeds.. Huh??
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet and when they do they'll put you
in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!!! And...

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy
to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming
to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time... (fade out)

Hey, buddy!
Yes officer..
You a head?
No, but I'm catching up, ha ha ha....

original recording by Napoleon XIV

LUIS GONZALEZ DOESN'T LIKE SCARY MOVIES!

My Great Grandmother, the late great Sarah Watts, always said that you should never call anyone "ugly".

All people are God's creations and God don't make ugly.

Ugly people were "as cute as they could be".

I probably should not have let you in on that in case I ever refer to you, your BF, kid or Mom with the phrase "as cute as they can be".

I'm just saying.

In my group of friends ("My Bitchez") we have all types.

There's Elliott aka "Gawdzeera" who's all "woe is me, I'm in love with (yet another) damaged Black guy. Love him to pieces and this latest one better not hurt him or I will go all Jill Scott on him!

"You're getting in the way of what I'm feelin'"

His nemesis, T "Gigantor" Justin who's all huge kid wrapped in angst with a soupcon of OCD (that's French for "that Negro is crazy!").

Gilles who's French or something ( I never understand anything he says, he might be from Warziristan for all I know)

AJ, our Dean Martinesque import from Little India.

"Hot" AJ, who's nickname is the Bete Noir of the other AJ's existence (ok, Bete Noir is Frog for "I hate that little bitch being called "Hot AJ!")

Jeez, if I charged $50 for all the French you're learning I could stop turning tricks on the Rue De La Maryland Parkway!.

Gary, who is all muscle and hotness. If I hear one more time, "who's the hot black guy next to you?" I'll climb in a Tower with a scoped out rifle.

Ryan "Serena" Darling (that's his real name. I swear. Really) our twink from the far reaches of hell.

He's sorta me in my...who am I kidding?

I was never a twink.

Or in my twenties.

Whatever.

We also have Luis.

Think Doris Day after she became a virgin.

What?

Luis is our "nice" friend. Every group has one. You know, A "Charlotte".

A dick hungry Charlotte. But I digress.

Luis never says anything bad about anyone. Luis once told me not to refer to someone as "common". He said to refer to them as "average" or some crazy shit.

"As cute as they can be".

So, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when Luis answered my call for guest posts by sending me the following:

Hi amigo,

Just got back from lunch!

The scary movies I've seen are:


Friday the 13th (saw just a tiny bit)

Poltergeist

America Werewolf in London.


That was before I was 12

I never saw more after that.

I hate scary movies!

But i Love you!

Luis

MY TEETH HURT.

Really.

I swear.

I FREAKIN' LOVE THIS MOVIE!

When I was a little FHA (Future Homo of America) I loved movies with style.

"What A Way To Go", actually, anything with Shirley Maclaine during her whole "I'm way too old for this but, wtf" period. Anything with Tony Curtis. All Ross Hunter Productions.

Wow, I was way gay.

Still am.

Really.

I wasn't much on scary movies. My uncle Bobby and I used to put sheets on my grandmothers' plastic slip covered white couch (yeah, you're so not a hipster if you've never endured that particular form of "style") and watch "Creature Features" every Saturday night when the adults went out.

Huh?

Listen in the 60's no one knew what a "latchkey kid" was. Even with Richard Speck running around no one thought twice about leaving us kids alone on a Saturday night.

Of course, maybe my family was a little more, uh, "relaxed".

My mom was always a working mom. At the time she worked for Pan Am and a weekend for her was a quick trip to London or Paree (that's French for nasty dirty city full of Turkish hookers). I usually was left in the care of my grandmother, Lois.

This entailed, during the week, waiting for "her stories" to go off ( I saw the very first time Erica Caine came on All My Children! Susan Lucci was like 6 and had on a miniskirt! Love-ded her!) and then she would brush my hair and we would go to Jack's Back Door up on 63rd street. Somebody would put a couple of quarters in the jukebox and I would pick the songs. "I Second That Emotion", "Stoned Soul Picnic","Shotgun", "jimmy Mack", those were my jams. I would sit at the bar while my grandmother (who I think may have been a slut) worked the room. Imagine a black Sharon Stone from casino and you get the picture. I would sit on the bar and be admired.

I had "good" hair and light skin. You can't imagine how those qualities mattered back in the day.

You just can't.

Oh, I was also hella cute. I still have moments.

Few and far between. Getting fewer and farther.

Just so you know.

I know, scary movies!

Well, no one thought twice about leaving us kids alone on a Saturday night. My grandmother always snuck out after my grandfather went to see one of his many girlfriends (I'm telling you, things were different then). My mom had already gone off to someplace and my dad was usually working an overnight shift. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe they were both in Paris.

Bitches.

My mom would always tell my uncle, "NO SCARY MOVIES AND DON'T PLAY THAT SONG 'THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY'! IT SCARES DEREK!"

Need you ask?

The door would close. The Thunderbird would fire up. THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY would drop down on the record player and Creature Features would come on.

Jeez. Can a gay kid catch a break 'round here?

Well, one night it didn't work. I had SO squealed on Bobby Jr and my mom had hidden the 45 (that's a small vinyl..You Know What? Fuck your young ass!)and the most stylish movie I had ever seen came on.

Vincent Price starred in Dr. Phibes.

The good Dr. set out to avenge the death of his wife against the team who worked on her in the hospital. To do so, he got his revenge by using ancient curses. My personal fave is the way he uses Locusts to kill the nurse on the team.

He does all of this with the help of his beautiful assistant, VULNAVIA!

I swear.

Really!

And they do it while traveling around 1930's Edwardian Art Deco England via 1972 haute Brittania! STYLE BABEE! STYLE!

AND they do it in a HUGE Roller with ecthed glass depicting cameos of the occupants inside on the windows!

The sets are an Art Deco Erte wet dream!

Vulnavia (ok, even I'm laughing), is dressed in these FAB costumes that are obviously early 70's versions of the 30's.

Did I say FAB?

In addition to being a style bonanza, Dr. Phibes is actually scary.

Well, it's scary if you're not a style obsessed Future Homo of America.

Otherwise, it's just FAB!